Need advice on whether I am the asshole here:
TL;DR:
A friend slept with my boyfriend on a group trip I was also on, other best friends who were on trip now inviting her and I to events, I feel awkward and sad AF. Am I unreasonable?
Backstory is that on a holiday for our 30ths overseas (remember that!!!) and my partner of 4 yrs at the time and a single good friend of mine (let's call her Jane) also on our trip drunkenly slept together while I was literally upstairs (DrAmAzzZZZ) and it all unraveled really horribly at the end of the trip and I was understandably pretty upset by the situation. I broke it off and I haven't been in contact with the friend since, though she has tried to apologise and say she misses me- it's just too much to deal with and I luckily have many other lovely friends who have found it within themselves to not sleep with my partners. Bless them.
After the trip everyone was pretty upset with Jane, not just because of the sex under my nose, but because she had been extremely rude on the trip, bringing people back then abandoning them (I had to spend a few hours one evening booking and rebooking an unreliable uber for the person they bought back and making small talk), generally getting drunk and being mean, and the sister of Jane (Jane is also the younger sister of one of my friends on the trip too) at the time was seriously thinking of moving interstate to get space from Jane and their toxic relationship. So, she's got some issues, but she was someone I really loved and cared for too.
So fast forward around 1.5 years now, I'm still single (WHICH IS GREAT, 4REALS) and I am still friends with the other girls who were on the trip with me, who I have been friends with for 10+ years.
So initially when I found out, I just sucked it up, even on the last remaining days of the trip, I just tried to get through it, get drunk and have fun so as not to ruin everyone else's holiday. But my underlying feelings have evolved and I don't really wish to be around her if possible. Now in the last 6 or more months they have started inviting me and Jane to events, really small intimate ones. Which I have avoided, missing out on things because Jane is already there. One of them even hired her at her cafe (let's call her Mary), and the invites make me so uncomfortable and I have repeatedly told them how it makes me feel, which they seem to understand yet still maintain a friendship with her. This isn't ideal for me but I also would never ask them to not be her friend or stop contacting her.
My friend Mary told me last night she was planning on inviting her to the big group portion of her bday coming as she 'didn't want to make it awkward by not inviting her'. I kinda broke into tears on the phone, I don't feel like they have made much effort to date to make sure I was ok first, and she was more worried about upsetting Jane than me. I even said to her when she asked what she was supposed to do, that she could explain to Jane that (I am) uncomfortable with you coming and would you be ok with missing this event? And she said she didn't feel as though she should have to do that legwork as it was her bday(!!!!!! ah but of course, the sacredicity of thine birthing day).
I must add at this point that Mary lost her mother a year ago so I totally understand that my relationship grief pales in comparison and obviously my qualms are probably pretty stupid, but they are feelings I can't shake at the moment unfortunately.
I'm exasperated, I feel like I am trying to convince my best friends to make concessions for me. Am I just being fucking crazy though??? Do I have to just get over it?? I would be fine if it was a friend who wasn't one of my best pals inviting me and we were at an event together, and I've done it before, I just have to be hyper aware of where she is at all times and do this weird social group dance avoidance routine (really rather fetching, I tell you).
I do not by any means think Jane is a monster, I think she made a really dumb mistake that I'm sure she regrets and I do really have sympathy for her because I know that I too could possibly make a life shattering decision and it would feel so awful. However I just feel too sad about the whole thing and she brings up memories of how depressed and fucked I felt for 5-6 months (I quit my job prior to the trip but then couldn't find it in myself to find work again after for another 5 months, and was in a pretty dark place).
After some texts Mary basically told me how she thinks Jane has suffered enough (I'm not even sure in what way she has made an effort/sacrifice to give me space at all) and that I should be able to overcome my awkwardness and be in the same room as her, and that I was starting to be unreasonable in my desire to not be there, she added in that she has had a rough year (totally fair) and that Jane (who she decided to hire at her cafe) has been a great support to her and she doesn't want to punish her anymore, she added that she had told Jane that I wouldn't come if she went and that Jane burst into tears and had to be sent home (wow, aren't I the jerk).
I responded that I loved her (Mary) and support her, and that her grief is totally valid but at the moment I'm not able to put myself in that kind of situation that really upsets me, so I would sit out the birthday and that we could do something else special for her bday. I was beyond mad but there wasn't really any other response where I didn't come off like a heartless prick.
I've sat through Mary's wedding and hens with Jane right there, only months after the incident and it was beyond horrible but I sucked it up. I always made jokes about the situation being akin to a C-grade made-for-TV-special because of the ridiculous drama levels, but I am actually deeply hurt by it - it's just my way of dealing with a fucked up situation. I'm worried my levity has been misunderstood for being ok.
SO PLEASE TELL ME, am I unreasonable?? Am I just somehow trying to make Jane be punished through this? Am I just angry and want to take it out on someone? Should I just get over it? Should I just tell them it's fine be friends with Jane, I'm probs out tho?
Anyway, I know this is pretty lame compared to the issues that Mary is facing at the moment. But my friends are really important to me, they are the longest richest relationships I've ever had, I've always put them first in front of any sexual partner so it hits very hard for me.
I'm fortunate in that this is one (my oldest though) of a few great friendship groups I have so they are not my entire friendship support network.
They think I'm over the top and I feel like I'm not being heard at all.
xxxxxx |
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