Division of labor in marriage, ADHD edition

Post date: 2021-01-16 06:08:17

My wife and I are struggling to find a way to divide up the to-do list in a way that is both fair and maintainable. Added difficulty: I'm like 90% at fault, in part because my lack of executive function makes me terrible at doing chores. Do you have (or are you) an ADHD partner, and did you find a way to divide up the list of stuff to do in a way that felt fair to both of you, and then find a way to keep it working?

I have read a lot of analysis of the gendered breakdown of household labor, and I really really really don't want to contribute to the problem in my (cishet) household. Yet here I am personifying it: we have two kids, we both work full-time, and the house is constantly a disaster. Every time we try some new way of dividing things up or adding accountability, I enthusiastically leap into it, do all the things I need to do for a week or two, and then fall back into my old habits. I'm being a shitty partner, I totally recognize it and don't want to keep doing it, it's definitely affecting our marriage in the worst possible way, but I don't know what else to try.

This is not a problem for me at work, for some reason I can't fathom--I have some sort of intrinsic motivation to keep track of tasks and get things done on time during the workday. That might be related to medication: I take extended-release Adderall every morning, and am much more organized and focused while it is in effect. Then I come home from work, and the medication has worn off (and I can't take more or I'll be up all night), and I slip back into having no drive to start tasks that aren't exciting.

Things I have tried that didn't work:

Checklists

Putting all the daily/weekly chores onto index cards, dividing them up on Sunday, and owning a specific set of things for the week

Apps tracking chores and color-coding tasks that have gone undone for too long

Talking with several therapists about how to trick my brain into doing things consistently

Hope me, MetaFilter.

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