Lately, I've been bummed out about experiencing the systematic differences of being a queer woman with a disability in America. It's a new feeling, because up to this point I moved through life swimmingly without experiencing firsthand being passed over for promotion/etc.
A few things have happened recently that have made me more angry than usual. I just left a toxic job environment where I witnessed firsthand a lot of gender and racial discrimination. Up to that point, I've been in healthy institutions (schools, companies, etc.) and it broke my heart a bit to see it play out.
I also recently read a study that showed how, even when education is normalized, women are less satisfied with their careers. It kind of depressed me further. For the first time, I wondered if my big ambitions are not going to be realized.
Then, a friend called. He's a super smart guy. But he recently got a senior role that he's wildly unqualified for because he has never done it before, while I tried to get that role despite having a decade of experience in it. I don't think jealousy is the right word here, as I am sincerely happy for him and think he will be great. However, I do believe that him being a confident white male helped significantly. I did not mention this to him.
To be clear, I have no sadness in itself about being a woman in itself, or being disabled in itself, or being queer in itself. In many ways I see them as gifts. I love being feminine and seeing how I view the world differently. I've also had many privileges and in a far better position than most of the world. My sadness is realizing, for a lack of a better word, that progress isn't as linear as I thought it was. That maybe I am being discriminated against. That maybe, I will need to work a lot harder than I thought. That I will potentially not have some of my dreams accomplished. I have very big ones.
So dear reader - how do I deal with these emotions in a constructive way? If I am feeling this way...how does so many feel? Up to this point, I refused to pity myself and I didn't like it when I heard it in others. The last thing I want to be seen is as is a victim, so I am afraid to express these openly. This surprisingly hasn't been covered a lot when I google it - articles are mostly about "depression in X" and are not addressing systematic issues. |
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