I don't care about work, but I need to care.

Post date: 2021-06-18 01:00:10

My job situation isn't satisfactory. I need a new job. But if there is such a thing as 'work depression', I have it. It's impossible to care about work, let alone muster up the energy and motivation to find new jobs, apply for them, wow my interviewers, and then begin a new job. Looking for advice/perspective.

Ok, so my job isn't TERRIBLE. Good things about it:
1. Good pay/benefits
2. Flexibility over lockdown working
3. I have worked there for a number of years now, I am a known quantity with a reputation for competence, I know how the place works and who the key players are and how to navigate some of its Byzantine politics.
4. Because I know the job and personalities involved so well, I know where it is possible to slack off a little.

But the bad things about it majorly outweigh the good:
1. Terrible commute (absolutely TERRIBLE)
2. Dysfunctional culture: petty drama, narcissistic personalities, the aforementioned Byzantine politics, your classic sick system, racist as hell
3. I know for a fact that working here has damaged my mental and emotional health immensely. I entered this workplace a confident person and am now beaten down by micromanagement, attacks on my demeanor and personality, and being used as a punching bag/emotional outlet/therapist/dogsbody by my boss. I spend hours second-guessing myself before I press Send on an email because I do not know at what point I will randomly be raked over the coals about something. I doubt myself so much more than I did before I started here. I definitely have a lower opinion of myself as a worker, even though objectively speaking I have delivered a lot while I was here and definitely more, simply in terms of numbers, than my peers or seniors.

So yeah. I have to leave. BUT I AM SO TIRED. I did apply for a couple of jobs a few months ago - went through the entire first interview, second interview, presentation, written assignment submission rigmarole, and didn't manage to secure either role. That was fine but I just felt so exhausted doing all that while at the same time having to deliver my actual job that I just wanted to sleep for a week when it was all over. The idea of doing that again now is EXHAUSTING.

And then of course there's the whole question of... What if I were to get a new job? Starting a new job is an intense emotional experience - it took me a year to settle in and find my feet at my current job. I just feel like I do not have the spoons for it at this point, to make a good impression and learn to find my way around and make relationships and understand how a new organisation works. But my spoons and more arguably my goddamn sense of SELF are being eroded away by each additional day I spend at my current workplace.

I'm currently struggling with it being a very busy and demanding time at work while my motivation and confidence is at an all-time low. Like, who wants to work when you're convinced people are going to shit over whatever you spend hours slogging over (because they've changed their mind about what it was that they wanted you to do)? I really just want to escape. I've taken as much leave as it's possible to take, but I've gotten yelled at about that too, and frankly coming back to work after taking leave is just so fucking terrible it's almost not worth taking the leave in the first place. So I know this is a bad place for me to be in, I just literally do not know how I am supposed to change it.

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