How to cope with guilt when wanting to break up?

Post date: 2019-05-24 23:35:08
Views: 160
I (F29) been together with my boyfriend (29) for nearly 2 years (living together 1). He has many wonderful traits, but he is insecure and anxious inside, and thus is rather suffocating, and he has also other traits I do not like. I tried to break up once, but we ended up still sticking together. He has improved somewhat, but I am pretty sure I do not want to continue the relationship. But I feel incredibly sorry for him and awfully guilty. How do I deal with these feelings?

For me the main issues in the relationship are:

1) He has no social life and no hobbies and this basically puts pressure on me to entertain him and gives me zero opportunities for private alone-time at home, which I so much need. We have discussed the issues prior to moving in and after. He has improved a bit, for example he has mostly stopped his passive-aggressive behaviour towards my activities. He has said he has insecurities and anxiety a bit, so it is hard for him to participate any hobby group or whatever. Despite visiting therapist and me encouraging him, he always find excuses not to go out by himself (for example "I'd like to go bicycling, but it is too cold outside and I do not like this warm hat I have"). I'm tired of it, so tired. Every day I come home from work (he starts and finishes his job earlier) or my hobby group (two times per week) or from meeting up with me friends (happens on average once-twice per month) - he just lies there on the couch, watching TV. Moreover, I like to do stuff around house as well, like cleaning, improving (small repairs), DIY projects, etc. But he just wants to hang outside or watch TV and talk and talk and talk. He joins my DIY things, but he has no real passion and gets fed up of doing these things pretty quickly, and it feels more like I'm forcing him to do these things. Then he just lies on the couch and waiting for me to finish, so he could start talking again. I do not have s much things to talk about, I'm a bit introverted and I get so tired of his constant need to tell every single thought he has, to comment everything he reads or sees on TV and so on. He tells interesting things, no doubt, and I actually love his knowledge and imagination, but it is just toooo much.

2) He lacks the ability to show real interest in my life, in my past and in my and our life goals. He has basically never asked me any deep questions, he did not even ask questions about me in the beginning to get to know me. I raised the issue, he explained he is afraid of invading persons' privacy when asking questions etc, so I ignored it. But as the time passes it annoys me more and more. He listens and remembers, but whatever I'm telling him, he asks no further questions, he never asks later how something solved or whatever if I do not tell him myself. He has never asked me what I see in our future, how I am generally doing, what are my hopes etc. I have asked him such things and he then tells me long stories but never reciprocates the question. He has improved a bit, as I have raised the issue a few times, regarding small questions, but not much though and for me it actually feels so forced and wrong to force him to do such thing that he clearly doesn't want to or doesn't know how.

3) He is, on the one hand, rather sensitive so it is difficult for me to choose my words sometimes, but on the other hand, he is easily irritated by the smallest things and it really bugs me. He gets sulking and mad and throws out mean comments and swears like when there is not the item in the store that he wanted, the bus is late, someone is too slow in front of him, something goes not the way he planned, someone accidentally pushes him or whatever. Some small random everyday stuff that happens to all of us. I hate it when that happens, because at least 10-15 minutes, sometimes longer, he is not in the mood to be able to talk to him like a normal person. It happens several times a week. I've addressed it, he says it not easy to change his reactions; I asked him to talk to his therapist about it, he said the therapist had no advice regarding his reactions.

So overall, these are the most important flaws. Most of the time, yes he is so good, I find him very loving, caring, sweet, smart, I appreciate his doing chores at home and cooks etc, he likes to go out with me and so on, it is so interessting to go out with him and discover places etc and I truly like these things about him and this is why I fell for him. BUT these negative traits really annoy me so much that I find it difficult to see him in my future.

I broke up with him four months ago, but he made it really hard, it was so heartbreaking, he did not leave the apartment also and said that it takes a few days and am I sure etc. And he promised all kinds of stuff, including going to therapy. So I finally gave in, as I missed the good parts (cause the good parts are soooo good) and I felt so sorry for him - remember, he has no friends, no hobby, he earns a bit less than I do so renting his own apartment puts massive strain on his budget etc. He did get therapy and he has improved a bit, but I feel that my love died and I cannot get it back and these things really annoy me and I am tired of trying to ignore these things or trying to find solutions to these issues. And generally, I feel we just do not click emotionally very well also..

As I tried it once already, I understand how difficult it is to break it off with him. I really feel I just cannot do it.. And I would miss all the good parts and I would feel so sorry for him. Especially that all of his previous girlfriends have dumped him. But continuing it just kills me inside. And it is not fair on him also, because I am not a good girlfriend when I am not in love and happy and proud of him and when I have basically zero respect for him. I try to keep that in mind that he has not had any "flings" or short-term relationships, he has basically gone from one long-term relationship to another (for example, his 5-year relationship ended in the end of July and since 1 September he started dating me; prior to this he had two more 1-2 year-long relationships), thus it should be easy for him to find someone new again. But he can be so emotional that... I do not know how to cope with it.
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