Dad is dying - how do I cope right now?

Post date: 2026-03-19 11:48:10

My dad is in the very last stages of his life and I am with him. It's so very hard. What helped you?

My dad has been ill for years and has now reached probably the last hours of his life. It's just gone 10pm here and I'm alone with him. I can hear how he is breathing and make out his chest (barely) rising and falling. I've got the lights low, I've told him many times that he is loved, he's safe at home where he wanted to be and that I'm here, he isn't alone. It's been a long time since he really ate anything (over a week) and we were told not to give him fluid on Sunday (he was turning his head away at that point). He's still alive and I keep thinking he might have recovered, that we went to comfort care too soon and that he's been suffering and is locked in somehow.

The GP and nurse who saw him on Saturday thought death was imminent and said he shouldn't be taken to dialysis on Monday as he might die en route. His renal consultant had rung me on Friday to say dad had been trying to pull his needles out and if he didn't improve over the weekend we would need to discuss whether dialysis was still right for dad ( he came out of hospital a week ago still suffering from the delirium he went in with, when he was admitted for sepsis, later developing pneumonia and a c.diff infection. He was in for a month).

So there was obviously a crisis emerging and he's very old at 91 and very ill. But he is still here, still breathing, and I cant stop thinking I did the wrong thing in saying as per his wishes he wanted to stay at home when a fall out of bed and a visit from paramedics revealed he also had high ketones and they thought he should be admitted for fluids. The last coherent thing he said then was that he did not want to go into hospital, and he has been very clear in the past about his preference for staying at home. He has a Respect form stating g comfort care, no CPR, no artificial ventilation and comfort over aggressive treatment. But he's lasted so long - maybe we should have let him be taken in.

He is the best dad, he's looked after me all my life and I love him very much. I've asked nurses whether what we decided was wrong and they said no, but they are face to face with me and they aren't going to say otherwise. It's now 10.45pm and he's still breathing, softly, with pauses and the occasional deep breath. He has a syringe driver with morphine and something for the secretions. He's warm and in no pain, as far as we can tell.

I respected his wishes. Why do I feel I've hurt and killed him? If you have been through similar with a loved one, and had to deal with feelings of guilt and the fear of having done the wrong thing, how did you manage that

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