I've spent the last three years in weekly therapy sessions focusing primarily on reconnecting with my body and setting boundaries. In this time, I've realized I actually hate spending time with my longtime friend and her kids. Is it possible to redirect course?
TLDR; How can I tell my friend I no longer want to drive 80kms round trip to hang out with her and her kids, but I still want to hang out with just her?
We are both in our 40s and her kids are now teens and preteens. I am single with no kids and very happy about that life choice. I have never been a kid person, which she knows.
Our relationship primarily relies upon me driving 80km (round trip) to where she lives because she wants me to spend time with her children. To her, her children are the most remarkable humans on the planet—they can do no wrong. To me, they are just kids, quite sheltered and odd, and I've never really connected with them, even though I've tried. When I'm there, the kids are ALWAYS around, interrupting conversations so that we can't really ever have any "grown up" talk. I'm not even allowed to say words like "cancer" or "earthquake" around them without being shushed and glared at by my friend. She's endlessly impressed with them, and will even have them put on little performances for me, singing and playing guitar. It's awkward. I'm always so glad to leave.
I always hoped that she'd become more independent as her kids got older, but this has not happened. She frequently texts me with updates on the kids, often covert bragging about how kind/smart/unique they are, and invites me to watch their extra curricular activities. For over a decade, I have been invited on their family trips. I have never once joined them.
I don't want to drive out to her house anymore or spend time with her kids anymore, but I'd still like to be friends with her. I miss my friend from before she had kids. I realize people change as they age, but she's just so intensely "mom" now. I know I have set the standard by doing this for a really long time...is it even possible to put this genie back in the bottle?
It should be noted that I have several other friends who are mothers, but they don't have expectations that I spend time with their kids and only talk about kid stuff here and there. They all seem much more independent than the friend in question.
Over the last few months, I have somewhat successfully dodged her attempts to have me come over, but she will absolutely force this moment to its crisis in the near future. A fade out won't work with her. I anticipate this will occur via text, as we've never been phone friends. When this inevitably occurs, how should I handle it? Should I just be honest if my attempts at fading out aren't working? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I also need to put the kibosh on this effective immediately.
If you've dealt with this kind of thing, I'd love to hear how you handled it. Hypothetical text scripts would also be appreciated! |
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