My girlfriend and I are going to have to break up soon.
Two years ago, I had recently separated after over 15 years of marriage. My marriage had been full of anger and yelling, and I felt relief that it was over. I started thinking about dating again and finding a relationship, at least a casual one.
I met someone. The paths of our lives crossed, and I asked her out after a few weeks of knowing her. A couple of months later we had fallen in love. She hadn't been with anyone since her own unhappy marriage ended 10 years previous and didn't know if she'd ever feel comfortable trusting a man again.
We embarked upon a fulfilling relationship. We don't live together but are committed. We spend nights together two or three times a week and text frequently.
She is European and arrived in the US on a one-year work visa. She decided to come for new experiences and the opportunity to live elsewhere. Because of our relationship and because she generally likes her life here (but not her job), she decided to renew her contract for a second year and now a third. The third year begins once she gets back from her summer holiday in Europe. But she won't be able to renew again. Three years is the limit, and she will have to leave.
I'm posting because I would like insight into two questions I have. First, how should I think about this final year?
I want us to enjoy our time together. I don't want it to be overshadowed by the sadness of breaking up and a clock ticking down. We don't really talk much about our impending separation. It's not a fun topic of conversation, and what's there to say anyway? At the same time, it's an elephant in the room, and it needs to be addressed in some way. But I don't know how. I want to find a mindset of equanimity about it, to be able to reassure my girlfriend and myself. I don't know what that mindset would look like.
And then, what should happen to our relationship once she departs?
Will it just end, and then we never see each other again? That doesn't seem right. But at the same time, I don't want to have an international long-distance relationship with no reunion in sight. Sure, we could travel abroad to see each other, but it would be for short trips and not often. Neither of us has the money or time for frequent international travel. It wouldn't be enough to sustain our relationship.
Would we keep up by sending WhatsApp messages to each other until our presence in each other's lives faded? Or wouldn't it be better to end things cleanly so we can mourn and move on? But I'd miss her if I'd never heard from her again. I'd like to know how she's doing. Maybe far in the future, we could reunite somehow? That would be a long time away, if ever. I wouldn't want to put my life on hold. And I don't think either of us would want to hear about any new romances.
It's not possible for me to live in her country. I have my two kids to raise. I wouldn't want to uproot them, and I have shared custody. Also, my job is in person.
Marriage would solve visa issues for her to stay in the US and find other work, but my divorce was just finalized a few months ago. I don't want to get remarried, at least no time soon. Besides, she wouldn't want to live in the US permanently. She has adult children back home to whom she's quite close, has friends and other family, as well as a house.
Again, my questions are what would be an ideal attitude to have for this upcoming year together, and what should our breakup look like |
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