Lingering doubts turned into pressure-in-my-chest-anxiety... Perspective needed!
For close to two years now, I (36, M) have been in a relationship with a great woman (28). 'A' is incredibly nice, thoughtful, sincere, funny and dependable. I admire her and the way she lives her life, and I love spending time with her.
However, I can't help keeping her at arm's length. Time spent together is restricted to about once a week, mostly at my place. Our lives aren't very entangled; we rarely socialize with friends or family as a couple. I don't see us living together down the line or starting a family.
In fact, at the time we met, I was thinking a lot about the kind of (romantic) relationships I wanted in my life. Until now, I have always ridden the relationship escalator and falling from it has always hurt a lot (especially after a decade-long relationship with a person I was engaged to). I am pretty certain I don't want kids, don't want to cohabitate again, and I think I would be open to non-monogamy. The idea of being 'solo poly', which I read about in the book I linked to, speaks to me - in theory, at least. I (think I) don't want to exclusively share intimacy, both sexual and otherwise, with one person. And even more generally, I would like romantic relationships to take up a smaller part in my life - ties with family and friends, I find, are more durable but I tend to disengage from them when I'm romantically involved with someone.
We have talked about this often and she knows all of this about me. She is not open to non-monogamy, but other than that she too enjoys the autonomy we both have in this relationship. I can't shake the feeling that she compromises for my sake, though, and I don't want her to do that.
Last weekend. I received a text from 'B', someone I dated for a month just before A and I met. I was, in many ways, very attracted to B and I was hopeful more would come from it. It hurt a lot when she ended things at the time. Now, after a year of radio silence, she asked whether I'd be open to meet again.
Since receiving that text, the lingering doubts I had were amplified and my anxiety really escalated. I feel guilty for being as tempted by B as I am. I think it would hurt A if she knew (she is aware of my short history with B and knows her a little), so being honest about it scares me. I hate myself for not feeling more for A, who is such a wonderful person, and what we have is so close to what I want. I don't trust my own feelings anymore, because often I feel they're wrongheaded, or actions based on them might hurt others. All in all, I don't know what to do. I have often wished I was just entirely alone, unable to hurt others or myself.
I have two questions:
I. What is the right thing to do, here and now? Is there a 'right' here, which is both ethically 'right' and also 'right for me'?
II. Can anyone relate to the 'solo poly' part? I would love to hear experiences with and discover resources about this. I feel a little isolated with this, as many friends can't really relate.
Thank you! |
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