I want to be more likable at work, and seen as more of a team player. I want to improve my "bond" with my teammates. But, I want to do this while also having good boundaries, and I suck at boundaries so I need help. I am remote, and confirmed ADHD with probable autism so there's that factor as well.
I work in a field that requires emotional labor, so being seen as difficult or as a "that's not my job" type of person is professionally unwise.
Here is some context for how I came to be seen that way, if it matters. Early in the role, I had a scuffle with a colleague who pushed back on me to do something in a way that was disrespectful. This person was very strategic and "chain of command, cc everyone" in their approach to work, which... isn't me, never has been me. I initiated the conversation as I usually do, giving benefit of the doubt, but this person proved that they do not want to collaborate in good faith like most of my coworkers throughout my career. They were very "that's not my job" about it. I did not see any choice besides consulting the supervisor to clarify responsibilities. Supervisor verified that it was Colleague's responsibility. I felt that I had to maintain that same delineation with other members of the team to prevent any additional issues. But this has resulted in being seen as a "not my job" type of worker. I monitor a specific type of task, and sometimes the task that comes in is "owned" by a teammate. I am supposed to delegate to said teammate, even though I could often technically handle it myself, and it would often be my preference to refer to the "owner" as doing it myself can result in confusion of the "too many cooks in the kitchen" variety.
I do not usually look for ways to get out of work, but my usual approach is to be helpful to the point that I am probably a pushover. So I need help finding a middle ground. In my graduate program they told us to guard against professional burnout, have good boundaries, don't give from an empty cup etc. Apparently I took this to heart and became rather self-absorbed as a result. (I have also been trained in my personal relationship to be like this, as my partner likes to give, and does not like to receive, so he has promoted an imbalance around this process that is hard to change. Over time I've accepted that he wants me to be the designated receiver in most things but that means I do not exercise my neural networks for generosity and doing for others as much as I used to.)
I want to be kinder to my colleagues instead of just polite, remember their personal life things and ask about them. Take on tasks that are "theirs" when it makes sense to me to do so, but also do this in a way that they know I did that as kind of a favor for them. And I want to be able to do all of this without creating an expectation that people can hand me anything and I'll do it. I want to somehow still be able to say "no" without being seen as "not a team player." Maybe since I am a woman in a profession with this expectation of EL and caretaking, this is an impossible ask?
The ADHD makes it hard to attend to audio-only conversations as often as I'd like which probably interferes with some of this likability. The (probable) autism means the nuance of these things escapes me and I am often puzzled why people respond to one person better or differently than another.
We just brought on someone new that is supposed to help with my responsibilities, which is a great excuse to modify the rigid boundaries I've been using. But how to do this without falling to the opposite extreme? How do I ensure that I leave people feeling good about their interactions with me? I understand I can't make everyone like me, and I do have personal triggers around that partially motivating the question, but it's also good professional conduct to improve in these areas, considering I am in a field that heavily expects EQ, EL and basically people think we are supposed to set ourselves on fire to keep everyone else warm. I know that I will not push myself that far because I just can't without sacrificing my health, but I need to play the game better.
Re: boundaries: I've read books about them. I've had therapy. Both help somewhat. But they do not come naturally to me by any means. I can be assertive when needed, even direct to the point of probably being rude, but general boundaries are confusing to me (if not made very explicit in words, which most people don't do.) I find myself accidentally violating boundaries because they were set indirectly or implied. And I tend to have overly rigid ones to prevent myself from getting overwhelmed by over-promising. I often avoid "small talk" with my coworkers for fear that I am bothering them or they will think I am distracting them in an unwanted way vs refreshing break from the regular tasks of the day.
(I continue to work on these things in therapy, especially the need to be liked and the boundaries, but with ADHD sometimes there is a persistent rejection sensitivity that you can't necessarily "erase" with therapy. I can address trauma related boundary problems but I'm not sure therapy can do much for the autistic related boundary problems.)
I want to be a more pleasant person to work with for self-preservation reasons, but I also would like to become less self-absorbed/selfish in general. Being a mother of a young child, having so many responsibilities, and being likely autistic, I tend to default to self-focus as a matter of survival/self-care, but there must be a way to do this without being "selfish"? Or am I just holding myself to unreasonable standards?
I was raised by a narcissist, and am ashamed to admit in the past when I tried to work on this issue, whenever I intentionally centered the other person I would feel this internal deflation that made it difficult to sustain that focus on the other. I actually like doing things for other people, but it is rarely the "mind reading" (aka "guess culture") type of approach. If the expectations are clear and specific, and if I know my participation is welcome, I am a very generous person, but situations are often not like that.
I want to be likeable, a team player, but also well-respected and I have no idea how to accomplish both of those things at once. Thanks in advance. |
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