How to get involved with the care of a distant family member

Post date: 2022-01-19 23:51:23

My aunt is aging rapidly, seems to be getting dementia, and recently was hospitalized with COVID, I have no way to reach her it seems, and my cousin who I think is my only connection to her isn't answering my inquiries.

My extended family is not close physically or emotionally, but my aunt and I have always had a connection - I lived with her for a summer when I turned 18 and we talk once a year or so and I have visited her every 10 years or so and we've always vibed. However, she lives alone on the East Coast (I'm on the West) and I have no contact information for her neighbors or friends.

Over the last few years I've reached out more frequently (a few times a year) as my mom (her sister) was dying of dementia, and in the last year have noticed my aunt seems to be getting dementia too. This summer I finally direct messaged my cousin - aunt's daughter - through facebook to say my mother had died and to express my concern about my aunt. I didn't get a response, but did observe that she read my message. I don't have an email address for her and she has a somewhat common name. FYI cousin also lives very far away from both me and my aunt.

In October I talked to my aunt for an hour or so and was concerned enough to inquire about what social service agencies she has worked with and who her primary care doctor is and left messages on many voicemails inquiring if there was a social worker or something following up. Only one agency called back, said they couldnt' share any info because HIPAA so wouldn't be calling back again, but did say they have decided to increase the services they provide to aunt . Unclear what those services are.

I tried to reach aunt again a few weeks ago over a several day period - no answer. Checked cousin's facebook: she noted aunt was hospitalized with COVID at the end of the year, no follow up posted. Presumably aunt did not die or something dramatic because following posts are just like, normal facebook stuff.

This week I found a phone number on facebook for cousin and texted and called - no outgoing message so unclear if this is her current number.

Anyway, I'm stumped. I have a fair amount of experience supporting an aging person with dementia both from my mother and also I do a lot of resource connection for medically complex folks through my work, but seemingly there is no way to get involved or even get an update about my aunt? I have the money and could take the time off to fly out and spend some time arranging - in home care? A skilled nursing facility? Something else? But this makes no sense to do without the collaboration of her daughter, who I know from enough context clues to be at least somewhat involved in her mother's care.

I'm confident my cousin has non-malicious reasons for non-response. Could be anything from irritated perception that I'm a busybody (which maybe I am?) to denial and avoidance, but I'm sure whatever the reason it's likely something understandable but... I am stuck.

How do I find out if my aunt is OK? How do I provide some support toward ensuring her safety? How much is this something I should stay out of - since it's not my mother?

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