So, after my previous 2 questions about holding my son back in kindergarten, we informed the school of our wish and also the teacher. Now the teacher is doubling down and things are sour. I am feeling like this is all my fault and if I was more assertive that this wouldn't be happening and I feel very emotional. How can I deal with this in the best way?
I am so sorry for what I know will be a super long post. Before I start I just want to say that my kids aren't really typical and we've just slowly been going through the journey finding out whats going on and just trying to support them and give them the best chances. It's been very difficult over the last few years and this has been such a kind place to me. Thank you in advance.
All the answers previously were super helpful and we decided to try to hold our (very tall) son back. I really think it is the best thing for him, so he can get the therapies this year and stay with his (perfectly appropriate!) friendship group.
Now that we've informed them we expect a lot of push back and it will probably take some time before we know the outcome of the decision. I believe that legally we are in the right, but in our specific situation I won't know for sure if we will get the outcome we want until much further out. We are in a unique school situation but its not really too important except to say that it makes things more difficult to navigate.
In the meantime the teacher is doubling down and the atmosphere has gone very sour. We are being very polite and factual but I am upset about how things were handled by her. I didn't discuss this too much in my previous posts because it wasn't exactly my question- but basically, we haven't had a lot of classroom time this year because of corona, but in October we had our parent conference and by all reports everything was fine. We went up to Christmas and then everything was closed until Febuary. We've just had a 5 week term and starting our first week after Spring Break- I expect that our school will close again promptly.
Just before Christmas I approached the teacher and suggested that my son might benefit from being held back. She DID NOT think that he was a kid that would fit that profile and she said that I was "like her sister, and never ready to let the children grow up" ... I am ashamed to admit that I accepted that from her. I felt silly that I had asked and I am now kicking myself for not pushing it more. But she was so forcefully sure that I shelved the idea. The thing I am most annoyed with myself about is that I am a former teacher, if I had something to share I should have made sure I shared it.
This last few weeks, however, I've been made aware that there are , in fact, issues and I have only found out about them as part of a response to something I initiated.
(1) I found out she felt he really needed OT when I asked to talk to her about my other child's speech
(2) I found out there were serious concerns about his socializing choices (he gravitates to 5 year olds and not six year olds, he is 5 years and 8 months. ) after I thought I overheard her mention my son to the parent of one of his friends. So I asked him about it and he said he hadn't been allowed to play with his friends and he had to play with the older ones... I emailed a suggestion about how he had felt surprised by the change and perhaps she could make a deal with him that he could play with the little ones the rest of the week but after Easter he needed to start playing with his cohort....and the email I got back was SO LONG and so full of CONCERN that it obviously had been going on for the entire term. If it was that big of a deal why didn't I know? There were also other odd things in the email... she described perfectly normal behavior in a way that made it sound bad and didn't resonate with how I know my child to be. She disagrees that this is an issue that means he should stay back. As a teacher, I would never have sent an email like that.
My feeling is that it isn't now just one delay, but two (physical and social) and that is pertinent.
But she just doesn't listen. She doesn't think that we have anything to add. It is the opposite of a reciprocal teacher parent relationship.
And at the end of the day, I have the right- in this country to delay. It could be that it doesn't work out in this particular school. BUT it was still our choice, and by not informing us of these issues, when she knew I had a concern previously, has now reduced our other options considerably. Had I been aware even 10 days earlier we probably would have found another spot, now? Probably we will find something, or this will work out somehow.
But I am feeling very stressed, and I feel like if I had been more assertive that she would have listened to me? I feel like I am failing my kids as a mom. I feel like we run into people like this more than we should and maybe I am bringing this stuff out of them? I question whether she was actually behaving correctly and I am just confused. And I think about this a lot now.
What wisdom do I need to understand so that I can see the bigger picture. How do you deal with contentious things over a period of months? How do you end up dealing with it? My husband is very proactive and this is not all on my shoulders but I have internalized it so much over the years. (We've had a lot of rejection and various challenges over the years, I guess its normal when you don't fit in a box) but I am starting to feel like this is the case because I just can't handle people very well.
People who have been through something similar with their kids, how do you grow a thick skin and feel confident? How do you or did you deal with the anxiety?
ps- she was also very discouraging about us getting a speech assesment for our other son and it ended up he needed the therapy and also OT... but everything has just been such hard work with her. The push back is depressing.
Please also note that we are in a unique school situation that isn't common. |
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