I recently found out I have ADHD, and while I thought I'd run the gamut of hypothetical self-diagnoses I really didn't expect this one. I'm feeling kind of down about it and hoping others will be able to buoy my spirit.
Since I was at least a teenager, I've had a lot of (what I now know to be) the typical signs: hyperfocus alternating with periods of NO focus, "OCD tendencies" (to compensate for the ADHD), fidgety-ness (which I always thought was just high energy), a love-hate relationship with caffeine, emotional reactivity, impulsiveness and impaired long-term memory. (I've seen layman's resources saying long-term memory isn't affected by ADHD, but scholarly articles claiming it is. Not sure how clear the evidence is.) Because I masked well as a child, I never felt ADHD was really a possibility— I was not overtly physical and was OK at being still in school, though I found it very difficult to listen to lectures. I still struggle to understand and retain information given orally, and find it much easier to learn from written resources.
This constellation of traits made me very good at depth-y analysis (when I can finally entice myself to focus), not so good at breadth. I've always felt like kind of an impostor— good at (for instance) writing an argumentative essay that I can iterate on over and over, but terrible at recalling any of the information or argumentation of the essay later. Good at understanding a mathematical concept deeply, but incapable of recalling how to use it later or analyzing a problem on the fly. (See: good at abstract math, at least until I forget the theorems, terrible at computational math due to errors and long-term memory holes re: formulae, etc.). Now that I know this is a sort of "fixed" part of how my brain works, rather than my own laziness or failure to apply myself, I feel quite discouraged. I compare myself to people I really admire— philosophers, mathematicians, etc.— and feel I could never have anything to contribute even modestly in those fields because these "brain holes" make me fundamentally a con artist of some kind, who just pulls things off because I have the hyperfocus superpower.
Basically, I could use counterexamples or a reframe! Some additional info/musings:
Back when it was a diagnosis, I considered that I might have Asperger's, but it never felt quite right because I had poor long-term information recall when it came to facts and information. (Then again, I tend to have good recall about certain topics, like global food/wine culture, but this is not really one of the stereotypical "autistic" special interests so I possibly discount it.) I also felt that I was good at picking up on irony, sarcasm, and other non-literal information. On the other hand, at work I struggle to understand directions unless they're very clear and specific (I've considered I would be a good technical writer). I've always struggled socially, which seems like an area of overlap between ASD/Asperger's/ADHD. I feel quite "sloppy" compared to others, intellectually, socially and physically.
I also have excellent recall of things like song lyrics, quotes, even pieces of dialogue from movies or TV shows. As a very young child, I keep a notebook with me where I'd write down jokes I heard on TV so I wouldn't forget them (of course, I never read these journals, I was just a bit obsessive about collecting them). I was always a very fast reader, read constantly, learned new vocabulary quickly, and have gotten perfect scores on many tests of verbal reasoning. (Less so on the math side, though I do well in math classes.) I sort of conceptualized this as being "hyperverbal," and I still wonder if it has anything to do with either ADHD or some other cognitive profile (like Asperger's) but I haven't seen any indication that's the case. Again, I've always felt like an impostor because while I was good at speed reading, comprehension & vocabulary, I wasn't particularly "talented" at anything outside of argumentative essay writing and documentation. Other people I knew who were skilled verbally were talented socially, good public speakers or great fiction writers, unlike me. (I did come to enjoy poetry and specialized in it in college, but enjoyed writing it more than reading it, which made me feel even more like a fake. Actually, I was great at things like analyzing meter but terrible at using it in my own poetry, and enjoyed meaning-making in my own poetry but struggled to interpret the poems of others, outside of a narrow band of poets that were meaningful to me. So it felt like my skills were sort of scattershot and never hung together very well.)
A professor of mine encouraged me to go to law school, but I knew that while I'd probably be good at the analytical work, my lack of robust social skills (and difficulty networking) would hold me back.
Anyway, these are just some self-centered musings because I feel like I struggle to fit my strengths/weaknesses into a profile that would make me feel proud, rather than duplicitous or ashamed. I could really use other people's thoughts and perspectives, as I find myself feeling put into a box and pessimistic about my place in the world. Thanks in advance. <3 |
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