Death of a relative - how to deal

Post date: 2020-02-18 00:03:21

Death of a family member is bringing up lots of trauma. I want to be with family but I can't for Reasons. I feel paralysed.

I'm in a very complex situation. An estranged family member recently passed away. Although we weren't close, they were at the heart of decades-old family trauma.

I live far away from my family, and don't have the holiday allowance to go home right now.

But I just feel restless and horrible. I feel nauseous, exhausted, fearful, I feel like I'm not breathing right, like my heart is beating way too fast. I really want to be with my family, but I have a ticket to go and see them in a few months. I can't figure out whether I should go now or not.

Considerations:

It's very expensive but I could dig into my savings to pay for the flight.
It's a very bad time to take time off from work (super busy) and I don't have enough holiday allowance so it would depend on whether I could get compassionate leave, which is not a given, because the guidelines say you only get it for close family members, which this person wasn't.
The family live in a different country, it's not just a matter of taking a couple of days off. It's a 13 hour flight and I would need to take at least a week. That's the first thing I'm struggling with - whether I should try to go home, given all the obstacles. Any advice about this - should I try to go home or just try and wait it out till my scheduled holiday?

The second thing is just coping with work. People are interacting with me normally and I'm finding it very difficult to respond like a normal person. It's particularly difficult because I have friendly relationships with many co-workers. But I don't know how to broach the topic that I'm in a lot of emotional/psychological distress, so please don't ask me about my weekend or talk to me about TV, I can't handle it! How do you do that without making things awkward? It's funny because I've been through a number of bereavements in the last few years and still I can't work out how you manage this alongside a professional life. Any advice on this?

Complication: my boss isn't particularly kind or understanding. I haven't said anything about it to him and I don't know if I should.

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