The last few years I've tried to live by the mantra, "What Would Mr. Rogers Do?" But I find I'd like to do something un-Rogers-like and end my relationship / go no contact with my mother. Land of, unfortunately, Not-Make-Believe inside.
Without recounting my entire life story, I've never had a Hallmark relationship with either of my parents. They split about 23 years ago after almost 30 years of an awful marriage.
My adult relationship with my father was amicable but distant, and mostly consisted of the occasional phone call or email (which tapered off a lot in the past 5-7 years) until he started suffering from vascular dementia and memory loss.
Likewise, after a few unsuccessful attempts in my 20s to bridge the gap and have a workable relationship with my mother, I've kept her at arms' length. A visit every few years and phone calls and cards for major holidays. And, for the last 10-15 years or so, some money from me to her. More on that in a moment.
It sounds cliche to say this these days, but I'm reasonably sure my mother is a narcissist, and if not she has some strong tendencies that way. She has always put herself first, and is quite happy to put her needs ahead of those of her kids. If I had to shorthand my mother's personality, I'd say "Livia Soprano, but without the mob connections."
When my parents divorced, she cajoled my youngest two brothers into saying they wanted her to have custody, primarily because she wanted the child support (and to punish my father). She had moved in with a boyfriend (who she's still with) who treated them poorly in favor of his biological child, and when my youngest brother started failing in school, she was more than happy to transfer custody to me so he could finish high school in another state -- so long as she received his child support payments.
She is disabled and has a number of medical issues. I realize she cannot work and government benefits only go so far. But I resent the way she angles and cajoles for money, and by now I've given her thousands.
I'll hear nothing from her, but then start getting texts and calls as we get closer to her birthday or Christmas or whatever. If I don't respond or go grey rock, she'll eventually just flat out start lobbying for money. Literally, she's sent me messages saying "if you sent me a check I haven't gotten it yet" with no mention of a check or suggestion that one would be coming.
She'll be sugar and sweetness to my brothers when talking to them, but them badmouth them when speaking to me. I don't doubt the reverse is true. It's something she's done all my life to everyone - her friends, my father, her parents, etc. The only person I've never heard her say an unkind word about is her father.
But I have felt that it would be cruel to just go no contact this late in her life when she's legitimately so unwell. And I've tried just going grey rock or setting boundaries. Like, "no, I'm not discussing my dad's health with you. You're divorced, it's none of your business, stop asking" or "if my brother wants to talk to you, or tell you what's going on his life, he is an adult and he'll tell you. It's not my business to share." And she'll back off, until the next contact.
In short, I take no joy from talking to my mother. I don't really want a relationship with her, at all, but I've felt obligated.
Until a few weeks ago. My father, after about two and a half years of descent into dementia, declined very suddenly and passed just a day or two after he stopped communicating or accepting food. At this point I had guardianship of him after his wife passed suddenly this past summer.
Not even a day later, my mother called trying to get a copy of his death certificate. She has been hounding another brother since, because she wants to try to collect social security benefits as his former wife. (From cursory research I've done since, she may well qualify as they were married more than 20 years. I've decided I will provide the certificate in any event, despite the fact it will gall me to do so. It won't be long before the GOP eradicates social security anyway, and she does legit need the money.)
I'm furious. I think this is the final straw, but I cannot reconcile ending the relationship with being a good person. I cannot imagine Fred Rogers giving up on someone, even a toxic person. I know that there's no good answer, either. If I go no contact, I'll feel guilty. If I remain in contact, I'll feel like a chump.
My fiancé is in the "no contact" camp. I realize the default response is often "talk to a therapist," but I'm not looking for that. I'm asking for your guidance and whether it's really possible to ask "WWMRD?" and extricate myself from this relationship. Or should I keep trying? |
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