Continuing Continuing Estrangement

Post date: 2026-10-23 10:25:14

I'm estranged from my mother. I'm thinking about talking to her again. (Possibly excessive) details below the fold, but TL;DR, does anyone have advice or experiences of reconnecting after a long estrangement?

For history and context, you can read my previous question. That where we met in person was almost 14 years ago. I did reach out to her last year. I left a quick voicemail, just saying hello and asking how she was. She replied with a long voicemail telling me that she was disappointed that we were estranged but she understood why. She explained that her ex was homophobic, and she expressed sadness that I never realized that she never was and that she would always have supported me even if it meant he kicked her out and left her homeless. It did have the tone of an apology, but listening a second time revealed that she didn't actually say 'I'm sorry' or any words approaching it.

This upset me for several reasons.
a) She was not pro-gay. She was in favor of CA Prop 8, and mocked one of her co-workers for crying the day it passed.
b) Her ex had died a few months before this, and had written her out of his will just before that (one of the reasons I chose to reach out to her). So blaming our estrangement on him now seemed . . . convenient.
c) While it didn't help, her homophobia wasn't why I stopped talking to her. It was the abuse.

So, I felt like I was immediately put in the position of accepting her narrative that our estrangement was a misunderstanding on my part because I "didn't understand how much she loved me", or correcting her. I can't say for sure what would have happened, but I don't think it would have went well.

The thing is, I don't want an apology from her. I don't even need her to acknowledge the past. I'm totally fine not talking about it and pretending it didn't happen. I just don't want to pretend that it was all in my head.

A few months later, I got a call from a stranger asking me to call her back. I did not. She called again a few weeks later and left a long message saying that she was my mom's friend and that I should really call her. That I was being too sensitive, as is "typical of gay men (but I can say that, I'm a lesbian)". So, she made a gay friend and had them intervene on my behalf? Or maybe more charitably, she has a gay friend that she asked to call me? It was very weird.

But she looks old now. Not bad. She just looks like 14 years has passed. I feel bad. I don't actually have any desire for a relationship for her though. I wouldn't mind one, as long as we don't talk about the past. But that's a boundary that she did not respect last time. In fact, she hasn't respected any boundary. She's found out where I lived a few times and sent me cards or 'gifts' (like my childhood copy of 'Let's Be Enemies'), called my dad when I was meeting him and tried to get him to put me on the phone, etc. But at the same time the last time I've explicitly set a boundary was over a decade ago. So is that fair? But if she can't or won't change, am I just being stubborn? Should I just try and see what happens? I don't want to regret never talking to her again. But I think I'm also scared that I won't regret it - that makes me feel weird too.

I don't need her to be a wildly different person. I just hope she's mellowed out a little and we can have . . . something. But what? It's been 20 years since we talked regularly though. And I don't think we can talk about anything before that. So what would we talk about? Or is it silly to try? Does anyone have advice or experiences of reconnecting after a long estrangement

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