Is it really harder to be a carer compared to the person who needs care?
Some time ago, one of my friends ended up in ICU for a couple of weeks, while his partner updated the rest of us daily on his progress. Thankfully the ICU friend made it out safe and sound and is doing mostly OK now, though he does have some chronic long-standing health issues. At one point, as a way to surprise his partner, this friend made a secret post to us mutuals and said (semi paraphrasing) "Partner] had the more difficult job being my carer through this hard time compared to me".
This gave me very complicated feelings. Since mid 2025 I have been the primary carer for my mum, who has gone through a sheer malady of health issues in the past year (multiple mental health collapses, a heart attack, a hip fracture, a bunch of other things). I have been the main person (and often the only person) coordinating it all - getting her to hospital eleventy billion times, organising every last doctor known to man, taking care of household matters, etc. I've not been able to work because I've been on call for my mum and I barely have any other social life or thing to do that isn't mum care. Recently my own health issues have exacerbated to the point of me needing to visit hospitals and doctors (nothing quite as scary as mum's situation yet), but I still have to manage mum's care on top of it. We've only started getting any sort of respite care, just a couple of hours a week, and that took forever to wrangle (bureaucracy is fun). A lot of people on both Mum's care team and mine have said I'm one of the most burnt out people they've met.
Even all that, I would be hard-pressed to believe that I somehow have it harder than mum. I didn't have a heart attack or a hip fracture. I didn't have to undergo ECT or stent surgery or hip replacement or rehab. I have to take meds, yes, but it's a far fewer amount than Mum. Maybe my health issues will get to a point where I'm sorta on parity with Mum, but even then the idea of "it's harder to be the carer" doesn't seem correct.
I'm also aware of the Autism Mum TM stereotype where parents of disabled children make it sound like their life is way more difficult than their own disabled children, and how obnoxious that is, and I don't want to fall into that. My own disabilities and neurodivergences do lend some nuance into my position, but even then - is it really harder to be the carer?
How do I square my friend's sentiment for his partner with my own feelings about being on the carer side?
(For complex reasons mainly related to immigration and everyone else in my family being a million miles away, I will still have to be sole carer until around April next year and our access to resources is kinda limited. Things may change, but not anytime soon unless something especially dire happens.) |
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