My husband's boss, "John," is retiring this week. The two of them have worked together for several years.
I guess this is an "Am I the Asshole" type of question.
The working relationship between my husband and John has sometimes been rocky, but overall, the guy has been an excellent manager and my husband is bummed that he's leaving. The remaining bosses are pretty awful (new management doesn't understand the business and doesn't care to learn about it). It's been a sad week--because of John leaving , and a stressful move we're making. John is also one of my own former bosses and mentors, and I like him a lot.
So dear hubby called me up to let me know they had a meeting in John's honor, but when people were asked to stand up and say something about John, my husband froze and didn't make any remarks. He was recently promoted to John's position, and this would have been a good time to mention--oh, I don't know, gratitude for being recommended for the position, or well-wishes on John's much-deserved retirement, or just about any number of things.
I was stunned by what my husband told me, and--what bothers me the most--suddenly extremely angry. I'm not an angry person. I tend to turn things inward rather than act out. Most of the time that tendency has served me well--socially, anyway, if not so much in terms of my mental health.
So my shock and dismay must have come out in my voice, and my hubby is worried now that he did the wrong thing. He's convinced now that he hurt John's feelings and he feels really bad about this. And now I feel bad that I've made him feel bad.
My husband told me he spoke with John afterward. He told John how much he appreciated him, and that he was grateful for the way John has trained him and tried to prepare him for what's coming as he assumes a new role. So that was nice.
Anyway, was I wrong to let my disappointment show? I don't know why this has got me so upset. I suppose I'm embarrassed. John and I have also worked together for years. I just feel humiliated by my husband's behavior--almost as if I'd failed to say a few kind words about John myself. I'm a contractor who isn't invited to meetings, but I could have gone in today with my husband and just sat in on the event and said some something nice. I'm sure no one would have objected. We live in another town and we don't have a second car--husband's schedule starts at two in the morning, otherwise I might have ridden in with him. In any case, I didn't think of it.
I guess my question is-- Are not my husband's feelings more important than whether or not John was hurt or disappointed by his behavior today? I live with my husband, I love him, and his emotions matter to me. John is a great guy, but I don't live with him. And this is not a thing I've done. I mean, technically I didn't do anything wrong myself. I don't have to take on any blame at all.
Question: do you think there's any way we could make it up to John? We're planning to give him a donut cake and a card tomorrow, which is officially his last day. And we want to stay in touch with him. I'd told my husband last week that I hoped we could take John out to lunch later on, when our move is finished and we'll be closer to where he lives.
I could use some advice about how to keep from letting this drive me crazy. I just feel really, really bad. |
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