If you've been through the break up (or near break-up) of a very long relationship/marriage that was not broken, but your partner fell in love with someone else... what advice would you give yourself at the beginning? What do you wish you knew?
I'm a 50 yo woman who has been in a 20 year relationship with my 66 yo husband. No kids, no previous marriages. It's always been pretty easy, happy and overall great. It's mellowed over the years, but we've had no bouts of infidelity or really even rough patches. We've been through eldercare and parents dying, lay-offs, moves and relocations, and big severe health challenges, always taking care of each other and coming out stronger. We are a great match in many ways, and turned each other on. I love him through and through for exactly who he is, and thought he was my person until the end.
We finally married two years ago (after a formalized state domestic partnership of 14 years), largely for legal and estate issues. He's really been avoidant about facing mortality... and estate planning attempts were never completed. So we got married as an easy way to make sure we were both protected if something happened. I pushed for that, and he was hesitant, but there was no ultimatum or anything on my part. We've always kept our money separate, but are very financially intertwined. We own some property together and separately. I've encouraged and helped him make several wise investments that put him in a great financial position (even when I couldn't take advantage of them myself). He's often had more capital, and I've had more income. I would say we've pretty equally contributed to our living situation. But he owns a couple of big assets outright in his name only... like the home we live in. Whereas I've paid for big renovations, ongoing maintenance, insurance, etc.
I recently found out that he is having a serious affair with a mutual friend that he has a shared venture with. This is a venture that I cheerleaded and supported because it relates to a very important aspect of his life that he'd been disconnected with for a while, and I was excited that he'd been able to find that joy again, and that he could do it with our friend who was super into the opportunity seemed ideal. This venture is not something I have any talent for... so it's nothing I could have ever partnered with him on anyway. The affair started about 18 months ago (right after we got married), rooted very much in the connection established by their work together. Emotional at first, becoming physical last year. She is also married, and I've just found out that she's separated from her husband. This affair coincided with an intensely challenging and stressful time for me professionally, and it has taken most of the past year to resolve. I was very distracted, working long hours and a bit disconnected from our day to day relationship... which is why it took me so long to realize what was happening. For what it's worth she's closer in age to him than I am.
My husband and I are generally very open and honest with each other. We've never had hard and fast ideas about "traditional relationships". I know that she fulfills a need in him that I simply can't, and that after 20 years the "sparkiness" can fade in a long-term relationship. I'm willing to open the marriage, as long as our relationship remains central. I'm just not a super jealous person (neither is he, btw). We've built a rich, beautiful and somewhat complex life together with many shared friends and communities, and we split our time between two locations every year. I am terrified and emotionally crushed at the thought of both losing him and this life we've built dissolving. I know he is in love with her, and that he also deeply loves me. We are still intimate and affectionate. He considers me his "home". He's very torn at the moment and deeply sorry for hurting me. Our discussions have been ongoing, very emotional, heartfelt and (I believe) honest. There's not a lot of anger or blame directed at each other. We are both human, and it's not a crime to fall in love with someone. And I was feeling somewhat hopeful about a path forward.
But I know that she wants a full-time relationship with him (through online DM's that tipped me off to the affair). And I accidentally (truly) found some notes/journaling he'd written to himself trying to work through this situation... and now everything feels so much more precarious. He's having a big sit down conversation with her this week.
So... Mefites who have been through this. I turn to you. What helped? What do you wish you had done at the beginning? Were there tools you found helpful in navigating a situation like this? I'm opening up to a friend this weekend. I've considered therapy, and we've mentioned couples counseling... but I'm honestly not sure what we'll get out of that given the work we are already doing. I'm also thinking of talking to a divorce attorney, just to understand the lay of the land (assets before marriage, joint assets, assets I've invested in but aren't in my name). I'm still hoping this will resolve in a way that leaves our relationship intact. But honestly... who the fuck knows. Throwaway email: nikkigrace84-mefi@yahoo.com |
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