When to talk to teens about divorce when moving apart may take months?

Post date: 2018-11-12 22:36:45

When to tell our teenage kids about an impending divorce? As soon as possible, even though the practical arrangements for moving apart might still take several months? Or should we wait until we have a concrete plan and a clear timeline?

My spouse has definitely made up their mind, and we are headed towards a divorce. Our children are 15. There's no abuse of any kind in the picture, not even arguing. The atmosphere at home is outwardly calm and normal(ish), but oftentimes there's tension right under the surface, and it seems to be affecting one of the kids, who's been quite moody. Both kids know we're not exactly happy.

The plan is for me to find a new permanent place to live, preferably in the same area, buy it and move there directly from our shared home (together with the kids), so no couch surfing at friends or renting a temporary place to stay in between. I can afford an apartment of my own, but it'll possibly take several months to find a suitable one*. We're planning to share the custody, but the kids are at an age where the local custody law allows them to have a lot of input on their living arrangements. (My prediction is that they'll want to try a 50-50 arrangement at first but end up spending much more time with me, as I've been the one doing most of the emotional labor, household chores and active parenting in recent years and I'd be surprised to see that change.)

The kids don't know about the divorce plans. They do know that things have not been stellar between us for a long time, and I'm 100% sure they won't be surprised to hear we're splitting up. But they will be sad.

My spouse wants to tell them right away, right this very moment. Their argument is that the secrecy is not good for the kids. I do understand their point, but wouldn't that be rough for them if it still takes another 6 months before anything actually happens?

My own instinct would be to avoid dragging the kids through a stressful limbo of uncertainty for possibly several months, not knowing when things will move ahead and what that will entail. I do want to tell them as soon as I can give them an exact time frame and some facts about where we'll be moving to, but not before that. That is, I'd tell them a few weeks to a month before the actual moving date.

But maybe I'm wrong. I do have a tendency to doubt my own instincts about important things. OTOH, I can't help feeling that my spouse's urgent desire to tell the kids stems from a need to share their own psychological burden of stress rather than to enhance the kids' wellbeing (which to me is absolutely paramount). But maybe it's just my bitterness talking?

I desperately want an outside opinion. What would you do?

As you can imagine, I'm feeling very vulnerable about everything right now, so if you think I'm dead wrong please be gentle about it.

*My budget is not limitless, and in recent months I've seen a suitable apartment in a realistic price range appear for sale in this area (close to our current home, the kids' school and hobbies) on average once every couple of months. There's a good likelihood the new home will require a few weeks of fixing up before we can move in, as most buildings are quite old around here. The kids don't like our current home and have wanted to move for a long time, although obviously not like this. And I do worry tremendously about the effect this divorce will have on them and will do anything to make it less painful.

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