We opened our women's clothing swap up to any gender, but now someone wants to bring their (male, cis, straight) partner and I don't now what to do.
I really feel like I got beyond my depth and could use some help to think through how to honor our intentions as well as the invitation we made.
Our women's clothing swap is traditionally a group of women. I wanted to invite a gay man who wears femme/women's clothes and makeup, believing it would be a space he'd enjoy. Plus he'd bring great stuff and take away great stuff. Win/win/win. I wanted to be inclusive of people who are interested in women's clothes but don't always have a chance to trade them in these kinds of events. So I added language to the invitation that anyone who wanted to swap women's clothes was welcome.
I didn't think enough about the space that the guests appreciate -- a femme/female space, something that feels nurturing. We've held these a few times and they always have that great feeling that comes with women spending time together. If I could go back, I would add a line that we are holding a W/T/F--Women/Trans/Femme--space.
My friend wrote on the event wall that she's bringing her partner, who's going to look for clothes and maybe even bring something. I've met him and he struck me as a cis man, definitely not giving a W/T/F vibe. I wrote her a message right after the post to confirm that he was welcome, and, this was specifically for people who are trading women's clothing. She was like "Yup! Got it!"
Another friend saw the post and said having him here would disrupt the W/T/F space. I believe it should be up to people to decide their own interests, and if, knowing the space, he wants to be here, I want to include him. That was the spirit of the original invitation. And it's ridiculous to think I can know someone's identity from meeting them one time. I know nothing about him!
I also want to be a good host and help the space be positive for the other guests. Personally, I don't want to have a man in the space if he's not actually interested in this -- if he's doing it as a performative thing, like, "Hey, look at these silly female things and isn't it hilarious how I'm crossing gender lines?" I honestly prefer not to have a strong masculine energy.
The time to figure all this out and communicate it was FOR SURE before publishing the invite. But is there anything I can say at this point?
I was thinking something like, "Please feel free to push back since I don't know your partner very well. In the past our swaps have been fun not only because of the clothes, but with the space the guests create together. If I could go back, I would change the event description to 'W/T/F' because that's really what we're going for. We should have figured this out and communicated it more in advance. So in that spirit, and since Partner seemed cis-male presenting the time we met, I wanted to check in a bit more. You know him so much better than I do. If supporting a restorative femme space is up his alley, he is certainly welcome to come. If it's more just a novelty or a one-time thing, it might not be the best fit this time around. In that case we will hope to see you both another time, maybe at an all-gender, all-clothes swap."
Heinous dis-invitation? Reasonable question? Hateful expression that needs to lead me into some serious self-examination?
I'm a straight cis woman and I'm on a journey when it comes to understanding, speaking about and relating with gender and sexuality spectrums, so I know there may be shortfalls here and I welcome if you can help me see them, if they're here. |
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