Is this ask/guess or gender stuff or neurodiversity stuff?

Post date: 2023-06-04 05:59:14

I'd like help understanding why this communication issue is happening and ideas to resolve it so that both parties are satisfied. If you can articulate exactly what this communication issue is, that might help as well as we lack language to accurately describe it.

I don't know what to call it so I'll just give two examples.

Example 1
Person A and B are cleaning up after dinner. Person A is holding a cup while Person B just stands at the sink, expectantly. Person A waits to see why Person B is just standing there but Person B says nothing. Person A gets confused, as Person B has been standing there a good five seconds without explaining what they are looking expectantly about, and A is now distracted and stressed by their confusion. A finally asks why B is just standing there and B says they are waiting on A to load the cup into the dishwasher so they can close it and get the dishwasher detergent from the cabinet. Person A asks why didn't you just say that? Why did you just stand there instead of also say what you were waiting on? B gets irritated with A for not understanding what they were doing and why without them having to verbalize it. Person A explains they are autistic and don't read between the lines and to please just say what you need/expect out loud. Person A pushes for understanding better why B does not want to do this. B doesn't have a clear answer to the question.

Example 2
A and B are about to go to sleep. A asks how long B needs before B can put away their electronics and go to sleep because A can't sleep while B is next to them on a device. B says let me finish this battle in my game and then I'll be done. A says ok. B begins to move around in the bed, says I love you. A asks B if they are done. B says yes . A says why didn't you just say ok I'm done when you finished your battle? B is mad at A for not reading between the lines to deduce this fact. A explains to B that B could be moving around for many different reasons and could be saying I love you just to say it. B didn't say goodnight or that they were done with their activities so it was not explicit that this was the case. A asked why B expects A to read B's mind. B thinks that isn't what they expect.

A wants B to use words more to explain their position for things, especially if A is confused and thinks what B is doing doesn't make sense. A already spends a great deal of time thinking on behalf of B, due to B's executive functioning being more impaired than A's (although A also has executive functioning challenges). B wants to communicate the way they already do and doesn't understand why this is such a big deal to A, and also doesn't understand what situations warrant more verbal explanation of things. To B they either keep doing what they are doing or they have to explain literally everything they are doing and why. B believes these things are obvious or not worth articulating and therefore doesn't want to change how they communicate.

Both A and B are AuDHD.

So what is this and why do you think it's happening? Do some autistics actually want to avoid being explicit in their communication? Because this is not as common as what I've seen in the autistic community where people want to be thorough. So is this ask vs guess and if so how do we deal with the guess person triggering the ask person due to ask's autistic trauma from other social situations where they couldn't just know what was going on? Or are cishet men socialized to say less? Is it a patriarchal entitlement related issue where women are socialized to serve men, therefore expected to be scanning for communication from the man and acting on it even if it is subtle? I remember reading an anecdote once about a man being really emotionally pained that his wife didn't guess what he needed without having to say it and that was why he didn't want to say things explicitly; he felt unloved somehow. I suppose what it is doesn't much matter if we can find a solution to this difference in communication style. Ideas?

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