How do I find emotional nourishment in my longterm marriage to my spouse with autism spectrum disorder?
I'm in a long term marriage to a spouse who was (at the time) diagnosed with Asperger syndrome. My husband, a very bright man in a field that might be designated as "rocket science," is a good man, but his ASD is rather severe.
Together we raised four children. Our three daughters are happily married and have given us five grandchildren. Our son was profoundly autistic, but warm-hearted, and didn't suffer from the withdrawal and coldness that can sometimes be associated with autism. He had brittle diabetes for 30 years, and we lost him to the disease a couple of years ago.
I'm a strong-willed person who married my husband years before ASD was identified for what it is, as a diagnosis. When knowledge of this disorder became known, I recognized my husband's inability to speak the "emotional language" immediately.
For many years of our marriage, I felt constantly drained and never nourished. I remember during those early years, my mother would sigh and say, "I wish (X) could be around your dad and brother more, so that he could see better how to demonstrate love and to appreciate you." But I sensed then---and I know now---that being around men who were affectionate and loving, would not have changed X.
Yet I was hijacked by my strong will, as if my own loving and nourishing behavior toward X would eventually "bring him around". That never happened. In the meantime, although I was completely physically faithful in my marriage, I did engage in "makeshift compensations," a phrase I used to myself rather than "emotional affairs," although, to be honest, that's what they were. Some of these men were married; others were not, but I shouldered a good deal of guilt about it, and I knew it was wrong to hurt other women and children, and to interfere with family life.
I feel that the coldness of my spouse has caused me to misuse my own good qualities; I feel that my good intentions have swirled down the drain. For many years my husband denied the ASD label, but it is evident to all in his lack of affection, appreciation, and often--even, respect toward me. (For those into the enneagram, I am a classic 8 with a 9 wing. I learned early to "tone down" the boisterous assertiveness that an 8 might display, but I do retain the confidence, strong will, and optimistic nature common to 8s. This "can-do" attitude has bolstered me; I got by without the nourishment my husband is unable to give.)
But as we grow older I feel the lack much more. So my question is: Where do we go now, my husband and I?
One more thing---the most recent "makeshift/compensation" has drawn me into an intensely romantic, emotional intimacy with a man two and a half decades younger than I. (An enneagram 4, for those who are into that.) Although one of my lively 8 women friends tells me, "Ah, friend, we are still in the game. Still in the game!" But I strongly feel that I don't want to be in the game anymore. Yet everyone needs to be nourished, loved, appreciated.
How do I continue to deal with my spouse and find peace? |
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