He was looking for a job, and then he found a job

Post date: 2023-01-24 15:15:53

And heaven knows he's miserable now. My boyfriend of 6 months has moved away for a job that turned out to be a house of cards — now he's stuck there and is spiralling, and I am at a loss of what to do after he requested for a 'break'.

It isn't entirely his fault what I'm feeling — I have the proclivity to feel abandoned and anxiety from c-PTSD. Things were perfect during the holidays; I had met his family and his family friends, we spent so much time together bonding, and both of us expressed that we saw ourselves spending a long time together.

He's been very much distant the last few days and I suspected cheating (my father was absent and spent his time philandering); although it turned out that it's his job causing havoc. His boss told him over the weekend that he no longer makes a salary because they "did not raise enough funds last financial year" which sounds like bullshit to me because boss is literally taking the whole company to freaking Aspen for a 'team-bonding trip' and dropping several racks on a single meal. Is it just me, or does this sound dodgy AF?

Anyway the issue here is that BF called me bawling. Actually breaking down. I could barely make out what he was saying but the gist of it is: I'm his best friend, he doesn't want to lose me but he can't be in a relationship right now — it's too much pressure, everything is uncertain, he's scared that he can't find another job in our city (VISA issues), and he's worried that his dad will die and he won't be there. He was catastrophising, spiralling, whatever you want to call it. I'd never seen him like that.

He also said that he knows I want to get married and he was perfectly happy to commit to that before when his job was on its trajectory but now his life is in shambles and he doesn't know if that's something he wants to do anymore. Ouch.

Then he emphasised that he needed space to figure things out and find his way back to our city so we can move on with the plan we had laid out for us. I appreciate that he said that but I had to take a few more Valium than normal to calm myself because at that moment I heard "I just need to be away from you because you are causing my stress."

At the end of the conversation we'd decided on a 'break', which to be honest I never believed in. He still wants to be able to talk to me and doesn't want me to disappear, but isn't a break just a soft launch of a breakup? I don't know — I know he must be devastated about his new job being a total shitshow and needs support, but I also feel like he might be using me, in a way? It's like he wants me there but just partially — kind of maybe he just wants the benefits of having a girlfriend to support him but not the other parts that come with actually having a girlfriend? Tell me if I'm interpreting this wrong, please.

I made it clear that in order to honour his request for space I will stop reaching out to him as much and let him come to me, but I'm concerned that he might feel abandoned with me reducing initiating contact this much. At the same time I don't want to stress him out even more by asking how it's going, has he been looking for something new, etc. I've sent him some self-care items e.g. a stress relief journal and a candle and a Sopranos Blu-ray which will hopefully help him. Is there anything else I should do?

I guess I just want some advice or anecdotes that might help me navigate this situation. I've never had my job being this FUBAR, but I've had cancer, so I know uncertainty, but this feels like a different beast.

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