Would this be a dealbreaker for you?

Post date: 2022-08-05 07:51:23

First major conflict with boyfriend, and he's displayed what I would say are pretty toxic conflict behaviours and pulled the rug from under my feet just as I was starting to feel really invested. Would appreciate your views on the situation and what you would do.

Woke up this morning to text from boyfriend of 6 months saying I'd upset him with a (goodnatured) little ribbing last night about him spelling something wrong. Said he felt patronised, and that he's 'good at spelling' so it especially annoyed him. I tried to call him and he didn't answer, sent a text saying sorry, acknowledging he had the right to feel that way and saying I wouldn't have ribbed him if his spelling was actually ever an issue. I said I loved and respected him, and wanted to chat through in person. Tried calling again, no answer.

He then sends me a long text saying he's finding the way I talk about money a lot 'unattractive', that he feels I've 'lost sense of reality' because I earn more than the general population does (I'm London based though - and it's hardly millions!) and I'm still worried about money (I'd been talking about budgeting the night before as we were going to move in together in September, and I'm generally finding money hard at the mo as have taken a 50% paycut for a job with better longterm prospects than my last), and that I must think he 'shouldn't bother getting out of bed each morning' because of his wage (I earn double the amount he does). He also called me a 'plastic liberal'.

I felt really attacked, and disliked, and I said that over text, and that he should think about whether or not he actually does want to move in with me or not, or even be together, as it doesn't feel like it. He has expressed being insecure about earning less than me a few times, and money DOES come up a lot in our relationship (just as much led by him as it's this weird elephant in the room - it's not come up for me in other relationships so it's not just me) and I have done SO much to reassure him I don't care he earns less, there's different ways of bringing value to a relationship etc. I have said in the future I would see our money as OUR money, not mine vs his, etc to make him feel better and like it's on the same team.

He also can be bitter about his place in life, lack of career (he works quite a menial job in his late 30s), blaming his parents or having a go at 'people with deskjobs' (I have a deskjob!). Again I've been nothing but supportive, telling him I'm proud of him and would support him to retrain in the future if we wants as that's what couples do - they're a team.

Anyway he called, apologised, and we talked for a bit and he agreed he shouldn't have texted that and should have instead thought about what he needed from me (ie talk less about money) and then to me calmly to discuss it. I said it felt like sometimes he was bitter and it was affecting his behaviour, and he said 'oh women, they always like to call men bitter. Fuck off' and put the phone down.

He then instantly called back and apologised. I was very upset. I was honest with him that I felt I needed to walk on eggshells around him in the sense of it's really obvious he is very insecure about his status, and that I didn't like that he criticised people, bringing them down to make himself better, and had now done it to me. I said he hardly ever actually builds me up, or says he's proud of me (and I've worked HARD to have a house on my own in London, I grew up on a council estate, parents have no money and I've put myself through one of the best unis in the country etc all without any financial or other kind of support (I come from a very dysfunctional family). He knows this yet he seems to put me in the same box as all of the 'middle class' entitled people he criticises alot). That I feel I need to play down and pander to him.

He said he was glad I had said that, that he hadn't realised, and that he can see my point. He said he had been a dick, and that he was really sorry. That he had been feeling awful this morning and shouldn't have taken it out on me. He admitted he thinks he's pushing me away because he doesnt think he deserves me, that his friends say things like 'how did you manage that?' when he tells them about me / my achievements, but that he hadn't realised he never tells me how lucky he feels (I sometimes have to ask him for reassurance or praise). I asked him if he wants to be with me, and he said yes, and that he loves me, and that he 'just wants me to be happy' (I think this was code for 'I worry I won't make you happy and maybe breaking up now will mean I won't disappoint you further').

I said I needed some time, and he said he understood. He hasn't been in touch in since we chatted a few hours ago, and I wish he had at least texted to say he was really sorry. I imagine he feels ashamed.

The thing is, I'm about to be 38 and want a child. I have been dating for years, and had several boyfriends who are just not right, or don't want kids on the same timeline, or have issues, etc etc. Some of these people had lots of money, but with this guy I chose him for what I thought were the same values and was fine with the idea that we would never be well off and I would just have to work harder (freelance work on top of full time job) to bring money in when needed, as I am lucky enough to be able to do that. We had been planning a future together, which I feel very invested in, and I feel so hurt that he's said all this. I don't like his immature approach to conflict, I don't like the swearing and name calling, and I don't like the fact he takes out insecurities on me.

He has acknowledged these are his issues though. So maybe there's hope?

Obviously there are loads of good things about this man that it would take ages to list. I felt like I'd found someone who got me in ways others find hard to, we generally have a lovely time together and he's always made me feel very safe, unlike lots of other guys. He is very emotionally available usually, always there for me and generally good at talking things through. There have been no major conflicts other than this. And we both want to the same things, to the same timeline. Which is RARE.

WWYD?

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