Candor, maybe, for once

Post date: 2022-06-23 20:16:15

It's come to my attention that I resent a recently-made friend and the taproot is envy. Should I tell them about it in some way?

I just converted to a new religion, and in doing so I made a friend who's much younger than me. He's been an incredible support and source of wisdom for me as I navigate my new faith. He's much younger than me and there is no romantic potential there, thankfully, otherwise I'd be obsessed with that.

But I've started to feel 100% outclassed. He's been able to make use of his gifts in specific ways that I wished for myself but that I have not been able to do thanks (probably) to autism and maybe just lack of depth to the gift. I've railed against that and tried to change it since probably junior high, to not much avail.

And he's a genuinely good person. To be clear, he doesn't push his knowledge on me and has tried to involve me in activities where I wanted to use what little skill I have. Me, eh, I have a ways to go in the good person department. Having had my life so constrained by executive dysfunction / inertia / lack of focus / allistic misunderstanding of autists isn't a great place to be left in one's late fifties. Much of this is a matter of acceptance of where I've been left.

I have tried to be a good friend to him and his family as much as I can, but tbh I don't have much to offer. I have made financial support where it's been welcome, but I don't push the issue.

Last weekend I got angry at him for something I thought he had done: turns out a third party jumped the gun and said that he'd approved the third party contact me about a matter when in fact he hadn't done so. He apologized profusely even though in retrospect the fault was not his at all. But all of this put the spotlight on my resentments and the fact that I don't feel valuable as a friend at all.

And honestly, having a resentful, envious "friend" is something I've had to run away from myself. I don't want to be that person in someone else's life.

Most of our conversation is about spiritual matters to begin with. And I'm about to embark on formal 12 step work for the first time even though I've been in recovery for a long time. Finally, my new faith is of course by itself an immense source of support and wisdom.

So: should I bring up the matter of envy and resentment with him? Perhaps a simple mention of it without going on forever and ever about it?

Those who want to respond: please focus on the question asked. Please do NOT try to guide me into therapy over my ability to be a friend, or question my judgment on it. If therapy had been able to address this, I certainly would be OK by now. And we elder autists are often left bankrupt and bitter from a lifetime of constraint and struggle. I've known others like me and I'm pretty sure I'm in that category as well. 12 step work and prayer are my only recourses left in that area.

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