I'm slowly realising that this thing is never really gonna go away. I've started taking SSRIs again, even though I don't like the side effects and it helps, but I'm never going to function like other people; whether for genetic or environmental reasons this is, I think, how my brain works and I think my inability to reconcile with that is causing me a lot of pain. You really are not treated well or with respect as a nervous, jumpy, shy person - I've had quite rude feedback at work to "just stop being so shy" and it's painful that society as it is now, is brutally unforgiving to the socially anxious.
In a previous post I wrote about watching the ex in a webinar and it made me feel distraught. She obviously doesn't have social anxiety and, whatever other struggle she may have, this is not one and I think it was devastating to see, through her, how far a person can go if they aren't debilitated by it, like I have been. It also puts into context all the other successes in her life; I used to compare myself directly, like for like and beat myself up and still do to some extent, but ultimately it totally makes sense that she was able to achieve much more, be more social, find success and climb the ladder at work, have relationships and take part in loads of activities, if she is a more confident person. It makes total sense.
It's dictated everything in my life, my lack of hobbies,my friendships or lack thereof, my crappy (thus far) career in accounting where I thought I could hide from people; all my life choices. My sister who is very close in age to me and went through the same things as me, has other major issues but has been able to be successful in her career due to lack of social anxiety which definitely indicates to me that there is a genetic component to this; although the fact almost all my other siblings are also crippled by shyness points equally to the devastation of the effect of abuse.
Whether it's largely genetic or largely caused by childhood trauma, or both, it's wrecked my life and I'm now looking essentially at another 40 years of being like this. Meds can take the edge off but it will never really go away, I know that I'll never be able to reach the heights I would have, if I didn't have this impeding me.
How do you live with that? How have you reconciled yourself to your lifelong shyness/social anxiety? |
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