Super frustrated with job and it's seeping into my life. However, I have to keep doing it to live--so how can I do this with a modicum of grace?
I got into my career field because it offered more money than the odd jobs I was doing at the time and I thought it would be a good way to transfer into other, more appealing jobs. The latter hasn't panned out and I now have a great resume on paper in my career field. The only problem is that I'm not very good at it, both personality-wise and effort-wise. I LOOK like I'd be good at it--it's a very common job for people of my race and gender--but I'm not.
Because I'm not very good at it, I am the only person in my office who hasn't received a promotion; I'm going to need to move in the near future and because I haven't gotten the higher salary that comes with a promotion, I don't be able to live on my own in a neighborhood I like, which is humiliating and certainly doesn't inspire me to do my best. My job also is work from home, which is safe COVID-wise but also means that I'm stuck at home all day with myself and my thoughts. It's lonely and dull.
My mental state while at work has degraded from the point where I no longer fantasize about having a job I enjoy, but simply about other times in my life when I was doing something that seemed low effort at the time (selling blood, sorting papers). Logically, I know those methods of making money sucked, but emotionally, they were low stakes and I didn't feel like a failure doing them. Every day I feel frustrated to the point of tears. If I was a larger person, I would have picked a fight by now to retrieve my frustration; fortunately I am small, so I can only turn my anger on myself. It's affecting my relationships with other people, though, because I am always angry and miserable.
I really, really, really want to quit. However, I need to make rent and buy food and have health insurance. So... How do I keep myself going at this job and in this career field? Right now I'm doing it by being negative--telling myself that I can't do better because I'm too old or ugly or screwed up, that I'll simply be upset about something else in my stupid life if I get a new job, that my negative thoughts in and of themselves mean that I'm unworthy of anything other else. This works to some extent, but it's exhausting! It's to the point where I've actually started doing negative affirmations--some people get up in the morning telling themselves that they're smart and lovable, I tell myself I'm a dumbass.
Is there any way to do this without making myself so miserable every day? Or should I just quit and take a break? Has anyone else been through this and come out better on the other side?
Things I have done: I have asked for other positions in the company and been shot down. I have applied for other jobs in different career field, but have heard nothing. I could get other jobs in my career field, but I hate doing the job and I hate the people I would have to work for. I also am in therapy, which helps when I'm not working but doesn't stick when I am working. (My therapist has told me that they can't make me like a job, but the job keeps me in the money for therapy, so--vicious circle.) |
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