Have you done this? Bad childhood (in my case)=harsh and critical home environment, widespread bullying by peers
I recently read this book and it so perfectly captured my upbringing in a way that's never been so clearly stated before, despite decades of therapy. I had a harsh, demeaning mother and largely absent father. Some things among many that struck me from the book was the absolute opacity and unreachability of my mother, and how it explained why I was continually treated as though I were incompetent and constantly compared to e.g. my older, cool cousins, and how I would be worthwhile if only I weren't so (sigh) ME. The book explains how it's in the parent's best interest to create these feelings of shame and uncertainty in the child, in order to make them easy to control. While the parent isn't necessarily being consciously malicious, they understand at an instinctual level that raising an independent child risks creating challenges to their own fragile psyche.
Paradoxically, I was pushed academically to succeed, skipped a grade in elementary school despite already being young for my grade, switched school a bunch of times due to family moving, and by the time middle school hit my immaturity level and shy and cringing behavior landed me at the absolute bottom of the pecking order at my large school. While my experience wasn't quite at the level of Carrie, it sometimes approached it, including my clothes, jacket and shoes being painted by the soccer team (while I was wearing them) in art class while the teacher was looking away. That's one of many horrific memories.
I'm pretty sick of therapy at this point--I've been in it for around 30 years beginning in college, with varying levels of success with different therapists. Some really helped, some actually made me feel much worse. What else is there to talk about at this point?
However, this book really hit home for me, in a way I've never understood before, that these deep-seated concepts I have about myself might be false ideas planted by an insecure parent. Some of these concepts include the idea that "they" are always going to hate me because of who I am--"they" being literally any group of new people. The idea that I'm inept and unlovable in a unique way that I can never overcome. The idea that I have to excel in everything--it's either 100 percent success, or total failure.
It's of particular interest to me because lately I've been embarking on a career in art, with some success. I've had my illustrations published a couple of places and shared on social media. My emotional reaction has been decidedly Not Good. I can barely look at Instagram anymore, despite needing to promote my art there and having had no problems with it back when I was just a lurker. It brings up all sorts of middle school feelings. I constantly imagine the critical voices of people rolling their eyes at and dismissing (or worse, ignoring) my art. And--perhaps this is the biggest one--I question whether I'm on the right path to begin with. I showed some early aptitude at art, and it was always one of the ways I could gain approval as a child from my parents. So am I still just doing this for them?
I'm curious if anyone has read this book or had experiences similar to mine, and have been largely successful in rewiring your mind and self-concept. The book does include some exercises that I've worked through, but I want more. I'm thinking of embarking on finding a new therapist specifically to work through these, but therapy is expensive and time-consuming and I feel like I have little of either right now. Are there any methods you've used in your daily life to fight back against these harsh thoughts about yourself?
Thanks. |
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