Our wonderful nanny (N) was in the park with my son (S) when our friend F)ran into her. Out of the blue, F asked N—apparently, nearly begged—to hire her. N said she didn't have time, but F seemed intent on getting N for whatever time she had. More details and questions below.
F has only met N twice, and both for brief periods while I wasn't there. They started speaking because F recognized S and realized N must be his nanny, of whom I often speak highly.
N takes care of S part-time and was not a nanny when we first found her. She is my friend's sister-in-law, who happened to be available during the day because her son just started going to school when we started needing care. We pay her (well) because we think that's fair, but she is by no means a professional nanny, and her main focus is spending quality time with her son when he's out of school. She has told me that she's not looking to make more money or even to continue nannying when S no longer needs care, though I have expressed to her that I will happily help her find more work if she ever wants to do so.
When N told me F approached her, my initial reaction was—wtf? F has been looking for a nanny, and I've tried to help her by introducing her to someone else I met who nannies. Her partner thought this other person was too expensive, so it fell through. F has made no mention that she wants to hire S's nanny, and has not asked me to help her find more options. I speak with F at least twice a week and see her at least once a week.
Another layer: according to N, F claimed that her daughter ( D) wants to learn N and S's shared language (Japanese). This is strange because no one in F's family speaks it, and F has never asked me to speak Japanese with D or mentioned that she wants D to learn it. I do know that F thinks the Japanese have great child- rearing culture, whatever that means, but she's never asked me to help her find a Japanese nanny.
I was taken aback by all this and am seeing F later today. N has said she doesn't have time to take care of D, and that she wouldn't work for the amount F's husband wants to pay a nanny anyway (half the amount we pay and under minimum wage). However, N disclosed that she gave F her number. I don't think N will start working for F, but there's maybe a 5% that she will—especially if F's partner is willing to pay what we pay, since she's proven to be high quality—and I don't know how to feel about that.
Rightly or wrongly, I'm feeling quite upset that F tried to hire N without asking me. It feels like she went behind my back, and it takes away from N's availability, which makes scheduling more difficult for us.
I know F is struggling with being D's almost 24/7 caretaker. Her partner spends maybe 30 minutes per day with them, and F says she has to be there the whole time so she gets no alone time. D used to have a nanny, but F didn't like how she nannied so fired her, and her partner has refused to hire someone else—either because it's too expensive or because they're in some kind of fight about finding high quality childcare. I get that F is stressed and really needs childcare, and I would like to help, but this still feels wrong.
My questions for you are these:
(A) Am I wrong to feel wronged about this?
(B) Rightly or wrongly, I feel upset. How do I address this with F? Should I address it with F? If so, what do I say?
(C) I have half a mind to stop seeing her, as S no longer seems to enjoy playdates with D anyway, but this is the first hiccup our friendship has faced. Is it premature to cut her off?
Thanks in advance for your input. |
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