My significant other has some.... very specific criteria for accepting conventional social practices. I appreciate his uniqueness, intelligence, and eccentricities in many ways... however he recently confessed to brushing his teeth only a few times a month(!) arguing that he eats no sugar/alcohol/caffeine/few processed foods & doesn't need to. After discussion he has agreed to brush on a daily basis, but will not floss or visit the dentist. He wants evidence that his health will be negatively affected if he doesnt- can anyone help with links/experience on this?
This is a new (6 mos) relationship, but is on (apart from this issue) very solid terms. We were set up by mutual very close friends, Im deeply in love with him and we are working hard (honest, challenging, long discussions, mutual reflection/problemsolving etc), to build the basis for a stable, enduring relationship. This man is the most loving, considerate, giving, smart, compatible person Ive ever been with. On a daily basis he goes above and beyond for me. Im attracted to him, sex is great/respectful, and I truly love him a lot. In general he does not have bad breath, but does get visible material stuck in his teeth & unfortunately I just cant help it- this is a turn-off to kissing him. Ive never rejected a kiss or made a face or a disparaging comment, if hes noticed Im a little less into it Ive responded by gently suggested we both brush before a next make out session or something.
It pains me A LOT that bringing up the brushing issue led to his feeling that I was rejecting him as a person & still he feels like I am trying to change something about him that is 'not good enough'. As we have talked about this, I have reworded in as many different/more sensitive/positive/complimentary/'reinforcing my attraction for him' ways as I can even remotely think of. But still, he periodically says things like "you totally make me selfconscious about even eating garlic now" (I have never commented to him about garlic). It feels awful that I could make him feel these things, or that Im actively trying to make him feel self conscious, or even unintentionally diminish his self esteem is excruciating.
Im greatly relieved he agreed to brush daily. Ive brought it up once since our agreement on this. I am still a bit grossed out by the lack of flossing. I feel like over time though, we can keep talking and communicating to reach an understanding on this. However, in the long term, I am concerned about his health, as from what I understand oral hygiene is linked to a bunch of other health issues (cancers, gum diseases, heart disease etc etc). My partner argues that his diet (very clean eating, literally doesnt drink anything but water- ever) reduces those risks far more than going to a dentist ever could.
My partner argues that nature has a way of handling good/bad bacteria & that both the hygiene industry and the dental industry has been built on selling people things/services they dont need. Specifically- that he does not need. He doesnt want to buy/smell/smell like tooth paste, he doesnt want to take in 'chemicals' , he doesnt see any use of a dentist visit unless hes in pain. The last time he was at a dentist was 2 years ago for wisdom teeth removal but hadnt gone for literally decades prior & said the dentist said his teeth look 'fine'. He doesnt believe that professsional cleaning/evaluation will do anything new or good for him/his health. He believes professional cleaning is a scam, and that most oral health journal articles have been funded by the dental industry, and only involve simple correlation (not causation) so are not credible.
Next week, we are in a location where I know a very good dentist who has a 50$ charge for cleaning/exam. This is less than a quarter of the cost any other time and I made an appointment for myself. My partner agreed that if I can provide scientific evidence that oral health/professional cleaning leads to health benefits, that he will go gladly, annually. But (as cited above) not just any journal article will do (ie he says "If the research is funded by colgate it doesnt count").
Im really looking at this guy as a prospective life partner. We have crossed so much difficult water together and done so well, but the fact that he continues to say that daily brushing/preventative exams is a scam sold to people by the industry leaves me a bit at a loss. I also wonder if hes agreeing to brush daily now- but I kind of expect that will slip over the years if he isnt doing it because he is convinced on his own terms that he himself benefits. I find it hard to believe that someone who brushes teeth 'a couple times a month', with water, would likely retain their teeth into old age. But maybe its me on the wrong side of this argument. If Im being unreasonable or vain or insensitive or projecting 'manufactured' social standards onto someone I really care about, I hope someone will let me know a better way of speaking to him about it or... I mean, I find it incomprehensible to end a relationship like this over something so simple/basic as toothbrushing but also have never imagined even having to have a conversation (or pushback!) about something like this.
Note: we are an international couple, dental standards for straightness/color/even presence/absence differ even among english speaking countries so maybe theres likely a cultural issue underlying. He also mentioned his family giving him a hard time for not adhering to dental advice (to get braces/maintain hygiene) as a child/teen.
Any advice, journal articles, experience, or helpful approaches to how to frame this without hurting his feelings and building up rather than degrading our relationship would be very very appreciated! |
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