Last night I slept with someone for the first time in a few years, and found that physical intimacy seems to suddenly to cause me to experience unpleasant waves of intense bodily overwhelm. These waves of feeling were unlike anything I've experienced before, and I'd love to know if anyone can relate and/or offer a possible explanation for what might've been going on. Details and additional context after the jump.
So, last night I celebrated my newfound fully-vaccinated status by going out on a date with someone new for the first time since before the start of the pandemic, and something weird began happening to me during the R-rated portion of our evening. She 23F] and I 24F] met on an app a few weeks ago, and began texting back and forth. Eventually, some of our conversations turned sexual, and we established a mutual attraction. We decided that we wanted to meet in person and possibly spend the night together, and made plans for a date.
Fast-forward to last night—our date was going well, and after a few hours of chatting at a bar we decided to get a room (so to speak). At this point, both of us had imbibed two or three drinks over the course of those few hours. While I felt a little tipsy (I was drinking on an empty stomach, which I know is always a bad idea), I was in no way drunk or even feeling particularly out of sorts (save for a mild stomachache, which I chalked up to a combo of nerves and the aforementioned empty-stomach drinks). We made our way to a hotel and soon found ourselves alone in our own room for the night.
This is where things started to get... unusual. First, some context that I think might be relevant: in the past, I've dated both men and women (though I currently only date women) and have had some traumatic sexual experiences (including rape by a boyfriend), but only at the hands of men. Back when I was mostly dating men, I would typically need to get pretty drunk in order to have sex, and I would often feel very disconnected from both my physical body and my emotional state(s) during the act itself. I took a few years off from actively pursuing sex and dating in order to try and deal with the issues I was drinking/numbing myself to avoid, and ultimately realized that I didn't actually want to date men anymore. As a result, prior to last night I hadn't had sex with anyone in about two years, which was by far the longest period of celibacy in the history of my sexually-active life. I also no longer drink much at all (in the past year I've gone from having 7-10 drinks a week to *maybe* 1-3, often even less).
Okay, getting back to what happened last night: After leaving the bar, we walked to the hotel and I stopped to kiss her along the way. When I did, I felt this surge of something that felt like a mix of adrenaline and cold dread (akin to that pre-panic attack feeling) bubbling up inside me. We continued walking after that, and the feeling gradually subsided. I didn't think much of it initially, but unfortunately this was a pattern/phenomenon that ended up continuing into the rest of our evening. When we made it to our room and began fooling around, I noticed that same feeling rising up in my body again—it was a lot like the physical sensation of the "butterflies in your stomach" feeling, but exponentially more intense and unpleasant. I have (diagnosed) ADHD and anxiety, and have a history of panic attacks, but this felt somatically distinct from my past experiences with anxiety issues and panic.
Much to my embarrassment, I actually had to pull away from her and explain that I was feeling weird/vulnerable and needed to take a break for a minute. I was actually worried that I was going to pass out or throw up, that's how strange and intense these waves felt. Thankfully, she was understanding, and we kept trying again to be intimate over the course of the evening, but that weird feeling kept returning in surges which seemed connected to her physical touch on my body (and the accompanying feelings of arousal that her touch created in me). I had to keep apologetically breaking away from her as things progressed, in order to to take a few deep breaths and sit still for a moment (at which point I would quickly feel better again). Each time I tried to bridge the gap and return to hooking up, though, within minutes I would again start feeling flushed, nauseous, overheated, tingly (in that "I think I'm about to have a panic attack and I can feel my skin buzzing with dread" kind of way), and slightly dizzy. After a few hours of this, we took a long break to watch TV and cuddle a bit (honestly, even being held nonsexually caused me to feel it again). After that, the waves of feeling FINALLY died down, and we proceeded to have sex without incident before eventually falling asleep.
The reason I included my dating history and experiences with trauma as context is that the only other time I've felt something physically similar to this sensation has been during moments of deep emotional intimacy, the intensity of which can sometimes make me feel viscerally scared and unsafe/panicky. I was in therapy for years and have plans to return at some point, btw. I'm wondering whether what happened last night could have been a more-intense version of this "intimacy intolerance." Could the severe isolation and anxiety of the past year or so have lowered my tolerance for human touch and closeness to the point that too much of it became physically unbearable? Could my weird reaction have been caused by the drinks somehow? Am I doomed to feel weird and panicky during very-much-wanted sex now?
Disclaimer: I know YANMD/YANMT, and while this felt more like something falling within the "random weird one-off occurence" category than the "alarming issue of great medical concern" one, I also understand that whatever happened last night might have a clear medical explanation. I have my first physical exam in about two years coming up at the end of this month, and would be willing to present some general details to my GP for discussion if folks think that'd be prudent.
NB: Wow, I had no idea how long this turned out to be - my apologies and endless gratitude to anyone who read this far! |
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