Help despairing multi-cat household find peace before new baby arrives

Post date: 2021-01-18 15:40:57
Views: 102
We've got 3 cats, and 2 of them are in relentless violent conflict. We've tried so many solutions (including recommendations from a consult with a cat behavioralist), and we're at the end of our rope. We also have a baby coming in about 4 months, and can't imagine continuing on this way with a newborn. Something needs to change — what is it?

Here's the cast of characters and case history.

3 years ago
S adopted Miriam from a shelter at about 3 years old, about 3 years ago, when S was single. She was described as "fractious" in her shelter paperwork. She is incredibly sweet and demands lots of affection, but only on her terms (will climb up on our chests and give aggressive face bump nuzzles, but is quick to bite when she's been petted for a moment longer than she wanted). At the time, S was ready to move to Crone Island and thought Miriam would be the perfect companion... (meaning that she would be a great cat for a single, unmarried person with no kids or other pets). But, life and love had other plans.

A adopted George and Sookie (siblings) as kittens at about 2 months old, about 3 years ago, when A was single. George tends to be a bit more outgoing and needy (always the first to come investigate a new toy or object, cries if on the other side of the door from A) than Sookie (generally more cautious and likes being left alone, but will be quick to curl up on A's legs the moment she can). The two get along well with each other — there's some aggression, but at the level of normal play fighting and never drawing blood — and are also very affectionate with each other and comfortable with human contact (no biting). We had high hopes they'd accept Miriam when S moved in....

2 years ago
Love happened. S moved in to A's large 1-bedroom condo, and we had high hopes that all 3 cats would integrate. We followed guidance to start them out on either side of a door, so we started with Miriam in the bedroom and George/Sookie outside — eventually letting them meet. It did not go well. We're assuming they saw Miriam as the intruder into their territory. Also, Miriam would growl and hiss at them. We think George was mostly upset that he didn't have access to his beloved people in the bedroom. Sookie, usually the more quiet and passive of the pair, started displaying constant aggression whenever she saw Miriam and it hasn't stopped since. Our temporary solution, since we knew we wanted to move to a larger and more permanent home, was to keep Miriam and her food, water, litterbox in the bedroom all the time and the bedroom door closed except for a few hours each day. During the few hours we'd let everyone interact... which meant Sookie had a chance to attack. Miriam would never be the first to show physical aggression, but if she saw Sookie she'd immediately crouch into a defensive position and start to growl/cry. Sookie would always be the one to break from the tense staring content with a lunge and swipe, which would lead to horrible yowls from Miriam who'd try to back farther away. We'd typically intervene by putting Miriam in the large walk-in bedroom closet and close the closet door so that Sookie could have some "bedroom time" with us for a few hours.

3 months ago
Marriage and pregnancy happened. Despite 2020-related delays, we were finally able to buy and move into a multilevel townhouse (doors on each of 3 bedrooms but otherwise open flow between the 3 floors), and hoped this would give us a chance for all the cats to start out on a more level playing field. For the first few days after the move, everyone was getting a feel for the new space and the dynamic between Miriam and Sookie subsided. We were extremely hopeful that the violence would stop. During those first few days, we met with a behavioralist and got some tips on general multi-cat household strategies, like having litter boxes and food available on multiple floors, using Feliway multicat diffusers, and having lots of vertical climbing options and interactive play time with each cat. We also had received gabapentin from our vet after some prior anxiety/aggression displays from Miriam and experimented with dosing the cats to help smooth things out. Despite trying these out, after a few days the violence returned — worse than ever, since we were no longer able to give Miriam a room of her own to retreat to.

Today
We're totally at a loss. There are screaming fights and violent attacks multiple times a day. Miriam has twice pooped in the kitchen overnight because it appears the other cats trapped her in there and wouldn't let her get to any of the litter boxes. We react to the fighting by making a loud sound (like clapping hands loudly or stamping a shoe on the floor), which just sends Sookie scattering for a moment but she's usually right back to continue the routine of staring-at-Miriam-lunging-at-Miriam-swiping-at-Miriam. Miriam also tends to put herself in bad situations to get away, like backing herself into a corner of the room where she crouches down and growls/hisses/cries until Sookie attacks. We don't know exactly how often Sookie is actually drawing blood with these swipes, but we know it happens sometimes. Sookie will "get in a good swipe" and saunter away for a little while, but the cycle of aggression always starts again (maybe in a few minutes, maybe in a few hours).

What could change
Externally — we're open to trying different interventions....
  • Maybe there's more tips / different advice we could get from continued sessions with the original behavioralist... or maybe we just need to be more patient/consistent and try these things for longer duration (like using Feliway and "herbal remedies" for months instead of weeks?)

  • Maybe there's a veterinary behavioralist we could see? (we've researched, and due to COVID etc the closest one accepting cat clients is in the next state over and has a wait list until March...).

  • We could keep Miriam (and her food/water/litter) in her own separate room, like we did in the old apartment... but with baby coming, this would have to be in our small home office (not our bedroom/nursery) and that's a really small room to be cooped up in. When we've tried closing her in there for short periods of time (since one of the litter boxes is in there now, along with a food/water mat), she will cry to be let out and the other 2 cats are obsessed with getting into the office, so this doesn't feel like a good long term solution.

  • We could do something more drastic, like remodeling the house so that one level is completely blocked off (so probably build a door to the finished basement where the 2 other litter boxes are currently placed, have Miriam permanently live down there, separate from the rest of the cats and sadly also from us).

  • And of course, the ultimate measure is to rehome one or more of the cats. One consideration is that since Miriam already has a tendency to bite us when getting more pets/touching than she wants, there's a good chance we'd have to consider rehoming her down the road anyway if she can't control aggression with an infant/toddler/small child.

Internally — the cloud of fear, aggression, and violence all through the day and night are taking a severe psychic toll — we are feeling:

  • Shame and guilt (for not being able to be better pet owners, for not being able to control the aggression or protect Miriam)

  • Anger — at the cats for acting like cats, and also at ourselves for losing our temper when we're shouting/clapping/stomping

  • Fed up and irritable, like we've already tried all the advice we can take and are starting to have limited mental/emotional open-mindedness for more "quick tips" (ex: a well-meaning friend recently told S that another friend got her cat to stop peeing outside the litter box by putting out valerian root in old socks for the cat to nuzzle, maybe that would help.... S heard this suggestion and felt irritated and unmotivated).

  • General bewilderment and tiredness from often being awoken during the night from the cats' fighting.

  • Urgency and worry about getting to any kind of resolution before our first child arrives in May — some days, it feels like we're spending more emotional and psychic energy on the cat conflicts than we are on planning for the kid

  • Like we need more outside support (such as counseling to address the stress and mental health aspect). A note on this — S has previously discussed this cat-related despair with a therapist and received a lot of "quick tips for pet owners" (similar to what every google search and the behavioralist told us) and little acknowledgement of the emotional toll, so we have somewhat limited expectations of how much outside support is relevant here. But we feel we need some kind of outside guidance especially to help us come to terms with more drastic measures like rehoming or a significant home remodeling project that leads to permanent separation of the animals.

  • Questioning if we need to decide to accept the current reality, get over our emotional entanglements with our pets, and let the upsetting dynamic continue on indefinitely, even with a new baby in the house.


Please help. Can you give us a framework for thinking about this, or a decision-making flow chart to know when to rehome a cat, or a time machine to go back and buy a house with a layout that would have magically solved this dynamic, or a different cat behavioralist recommendation, or something that will help us move forwards and figure out what actually needs to change here?
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