I (28F) just realized that my girlfriend of 3 years seems to be more in the "maybe no" camp than "maybe yes", while I've been clear from the beginning that I want kids, and am now panicking about breaking up with her.
2 days ago we talked about kids and for the first time I actually heard more of a no than a yes, and she said she's not sure she'll ever be ready. I'm now completely panicking and have barely eaten since then, and it's turned into a fight. We both feel that we've been honest with each other this whole time. We've talked a number of times about how hypothetically, I would carry the baby but she likes the idea of IVF + embryo transfer so she'd have a role in the conception; that she's like her dad in that she probably wouldn't choose to have children on her own but could end up thrilled with her kids like her dad is; that we would both try hard to make time for each other and not lose our identities as people (which I think is healthy), etc. We moved in together last summer after many talks about our commitment to each other, if we were ready for that next step, that we wouldn't be moving in together if we didn't see this as something serious and long-term, etc. I guess I figured she just needed time because she's never given me a no, and I'm seriously struggling to figure out how she thought this would turn out, considering I've been super clear on my position on kids. I'm now panicking and she's feeling defensive and pressured, because this is suddenly a big deal.
I've spent much of the past 2 years coming around to the idea that things like a house, marriage, and babies are more of a medium-future thing than they were in my early 20's (obviously), while my girlfriend has only just started her first full-time job in her field and has student debt, so she isn't in that headspace at all. I understand this and we've both grown a ton in the past few years, so it's not unreasonable that finally being financially stable and professionally successful will help shape her vision of being a mature adult, instead of a big kid still trying to figure things out (her words). She's more of a-live-in-the-moment kind of person and struggles to visualize things long-term, and has told me she can't give me the answer I want right now, because she doesn't know how she'll feel in 2-4 years.
Having kids (ideally between 32 and 36) and being exhausted definitely scares me, but I also feel like it would be rewarding and that I could handle it. Everything on Reddit screams to go for the Band-Aid approach – get out while I can and find someone who is enthusiastic about having kids. I want to give her time, but I can't afford to wait 4 years, fall even more in love with her, and have her say she doesn't want kids. However, the idea of breaking up with her over this makes me want to die (not suicidal, but anxiety is a beast) and am struggling to figure out if it's worth it. We are very happy together, get along well, have a decent sex life, moving in together has been much easier than we thought it would be, etc.
I've run the thought experiment through and the idea of dating again practically disgusts me. I have no interest at all in trying to establish this degree of relationship with someone else. Yeah everyone has good qualities and bad qualities, but she and I know each other's bad qualities and can live with them just fine. I'm very very scared of breaking up with her and not finding anyone else, and ending up lonely and childless. I've had a taste of what it's like to share my life with someone else and giving that up for a hypothetical child just seems insane. The lesbian dating pool is pretty small and I'm pretty picky. I'm not sure I would willingly have a child if I had to single-parent it.
I know that no one else can make this decision for me, and obviously she and I will make this decision together. I'm just looking for stories, advice, and some words of hope that if we do break up, I actually do have a chance of finding love again. I'm just so scared.
Thank you for making it this far. Brevity is not my strong suit. |
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