I am having a hard time processing something about my parents and their shared attitude about reverse racism. This view comes from their lived experiences, but it is harmful, and racist, and I'm perseverating over it. Can you help?
My parents have both expressed that Black coworkers impeded their ability to move forward in their careers and that my own black colleagues might do the same to me.
My father's direct supervisor (or maybe supervisor once removed, details are fuzzy), was black, and repeatedly hired, favored, and promoted other black men over my father. My dad says that this supervisor would claim racism if anyone called him out on these choices, and as such, no one stepped in to give my dad the raises he deserved based on his tenure and contributions to his workplace. My father has also mentioned that this supervisor was punitive towards him but not towards his black cohorts. This experience left my father deeply bitter and angry, and eventually became the impetus for my dad retiring early but in a messy, upsetting way. My mother supports his perspective and agrees with him that my father experienced reverse racism, and our family suffered financially and emotionally because of it. (It's true, we really did, but I strongly disagree with the why.)
Today my mother and I were discussing a new colleague of mine and I stupidly mentioned that he is black while recounting a negative experience with him. (He talks over people during meetings in a way that makes me frustrated and discouraged.) My mom jumped on this and said that this coworker is likely never challenged on this behavior because he is black, especially right now. I pushed back, because the way he operates as a person in the workplace is NOT because he is black. It's how he operates, for whatever reason, and it's counterproductive. But obviously I'm still working through my internalized racism since before I went into any details I prefaced our convo with "he's black." I'm mad at myself for making that a talking point. My mom repeated that it would be dangerous to even say something like, "Hey, I need to complete that thought before we move on, please," because again, this colleague is black, and he "could retaliate." I've been sick to my stomach ever since we got off the phone.
I am at a loss on how to process this. Talking about LGBTQIA+ rights? Easy, my parents have always been supportive of that, especially now that they know I'm not straight. This is different. We're white, middle class people. My parents were teens during the Watts Riots and witnessee the riots firsthand. That left them traumatized. My mom supports BLM and talks frequently about how the US has committed atrocities for which justice is overdue. I'm not sure where my dad falls on this spectrum and I don't want to ask. I don't know if they view themselves as racist, but they do double down on racist views when they trigger flashbacks from those lived experiences. It makes them angry and defensive. I empathize, but I cannot accept what they're saying as true.
I'm sorry that this has gotten long. How can I push back on their views without completely invalidating the things that have clouded their minds about this issue? I don't want to hold some family meeting about it or anything. I'd like to just... Find a way to maybe get them to reflect on these things in a different way?
Thank you. |
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