How to deal with a critical/negative spouse?

Post date: 2020-09-19 23:02:04
Views: 116
My husband and I are relatively newly married, and are struggling in our dynamic. From the beginning of our acquaintance, I knew that he was an intense perfectionist with discriminating taste and with an Eeyore-like glum/negative streak.  This didn't bother me because he was never negative about me, and he seemed in general to be increasingly more cheerful and happy when we were together (when we were dating/engaged).  He had had a rough time of it before we got together, and so I assumed that the longer we were together, the more he would mellow out as he became more content. Unfortunately, the reverse has happened: since we've been married, his criticism is more often directed at me.

I really thrive on praise rather than criticism, so it's very difficult for me to stay motivated when all I hear for my efforts are the things he's not happy with. If it were just a moderate amount of constructive criticism, centered firmly on the issue at hand, in a neutral tone, that would be one thing. But his tone is abrasive and sarcastic when he's being critical. It's happening multiple times a day, and each time leaves me upset for hours. It feels like a tsunami of negative energy directed at me. As just a few examples: he doesn't like how I fold his clothing after I launder it, he doesn't like how untidy I keep the kitchen, he's complained a few times that dinner isn't always hot enough when I serve it, he's upset that we're not always stocked with milk for him to drink (maybe once every month I misgauge and we're out of milk for a day), he thinks I don't do a good enough job keeping the drinks fridge stocked with a variety of cold drinks, he thinks I haven't cleaned the house properly, he thinks I don't handle household admin fast enough (all the bills get paid early, but there is often paper clutter on surfaces in the living room - we're living in very suboptimal accommodation now with no office space, and I'm not the most naturally organized). He criticizes the way my teeth look, the smell of my shoes, the way my hair looks, my style of dress. He even complains that I don't enjoy sex enough, to the extent that I feel tempted to fake it (I do enjoy it, but maybe I'm not as vocal as some). I think I'm becoming increasingly sensitive to his criticism, as increasingly when he's speaking I'm bracing myself for the verbal blow. My self esteem has taken a big hit since our marriage: the barrage of really specific criticism leaves me feeling incompetent at everything, and unclear about why he married me.

Let me give a reasonably typical example:
- Yesterday, I noticed a rust ring had appeared in our ancient kitchen sink from me leaving a can there overnight.  (It had been a can of chopped greens, I had rinsed the can, there were tiny bits of greens left in it in the water, we have no garbage disposal so I couldn't pour it down the sink; I had wanted to pour the remains into the back of the yard but it was dark last night after dinner so I waited until morning to do it).  I scrubbed it with detergent and a rough sponge for a while and nothing happened, which I mentioned to my husband.  He made a sarcastic comment about how most people would try multipurpose cleaner, but somehow, unlike most people, I had apparently managed not to learn about cleaning products in my X number of years of life. This incident came 20 minutes before the next critical comment from him (about something, as it happens, that I already apologized for multiple times - he often won't stop criticizing something over and over again, even after I have already apologized).
- I think the suggestion of multi-purpose cleaner is a good one, and I welcome it. It is true that I perhaps know less about cleaning products than someone of my age should: my mom for whatever reason usually used water for everything. If he has suggestions like that about what is likely to work in a given situation, I would like to hear them, as he usually has good insight.
- What I take issue with is his tone, first of all. It's cutting and sarcastic. I also think he doesn't need to bring up my lack of prior knowledge of cleaning products. That seems mean and counter-productive to me. I would like to see suggestions made in a pleasant and helpful manner, focusing on the situation at hand. For instance, in this situation, what I would like is for him in a thoughtful and upbeat tone to say something like "You know, I bet that multi-surface cleaner I bought would get that stain off.  I think it would definitely be worth a try!" That's how I'd approach it if the roles were reversed, and that's what I think I definitely would respond best to.

Other times it is just random comments. We were having a date night watching a TV show and a nice big kitchen appeared on the screen: he immediately said, "Man, you'd make a mess of that kitchen SO FAST". It was less even that he said it and more that he thought it.  It made me feel so deflated to think that that was the first thing he thought of. I have my faults (not being naturally tidy being one of them), but I guess I wish my husband championed my strengths instead of constantly drawing my attention to my shortcomings. I feel this most strongly when were in public, where I often feel humiliated by how he speaks to and about me. One of my friends who has seen us interact many times told me that she would feel so upset if her husband spoke to her as mine does to me, and that she has noticed how "sharp" his tone often is with me. I remember every one of these comments he has made about/to me, and they periodically appear unbidden in my mind and make me feel even worse about myself. We're in a situation where my natural gifts aren't being used and where the responsibilities I have aren't things I am naturally very good at or naturally have much prior experience with, so that is difficult for both of us. But I think we'd both do better with it if he could try to be more positive about my efforts.

I'm not claiming that I'm the perfect wife, but I do my best to extend charity to him when he screws up (his mom noticed that and complimented me on it, so I don't think I'm being too generous to myself here). I don't rub his shortcomings in his face. When he screws up at work, for instance, I listen sympathetically and try to make helpful suggestions that are focused on what he can do in the future rather than harping on what he did poorly. I try to be flexible about things we disagree on, giving in when I don't feel extremely strongly about a given thing. I wish he could try to extend similar flexibility and charity towards me. We have had this conversation multiple times about specific incidents like the one above. He said he feels like I'm trying to micromanage his tone and he feels like he's walking on eggshells, and he thinks he's made progress and I don't see it. It's true: I see almost no improvement, and I'm flabbergasted that he feels like he's walking on eggshells because he seems still to feel very free to make multiple sarcastic comments per day.

I guess I just feel at a dead end here in terms of how to make progress. I thought it would be most helpful to focus on his behavior in specific instances, so I point out each of these things as they occur, but he doesn't seem to be able to recognize a pattern enough to stop doing it in the future. I also have tried to get him to be more positive overall, and to focus on the positives (especially about me) rather than the negatives, but he can't seem to do that. He's gone on anti-anxiety medication, which has helped a bit but the current level is nowhere near acceptable. My previous boyfriend was amazing at targeted spontaneous (and genuine) praise, which really motivated me to go the extra mile, but which maybe spoiled me. I just long to be in the same room as my husband and for him to look at me and say that he was just thinking how beautiful I am in the evening light, or for him to notice that I had cleaned something and tell me how much better it looks and that he's appreciative, or any other spontaneous positive comment.

I feel depressed and unhappy, and find it difficult to motivate myself to do things around the house, which obviously makes him more critical. And I feel so angry and resentful towards him that I often feel that I don't even *want* to do things to please him anymore. Help?
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