I need help navigating pandemic work woes as a WOC

Post date: 2020-07-02 07:45:20

I am working in a tech startup, with a management comprised of white men. I am the only woman in the company, and one of three people in colour. How can I stand up for myself with dignity and express the harms I've been experiencing, without jeopardising my future? Or...is time to leave?

I deeply apologise if this is very long.

This pandemic has brought so much agony in my life. I have been having a really tough time lately, and I am at a loss on what to do:

1. I am single, in my 30s. I live alone in another city away from my family of origin. This is my decision, but is partly emboldened because my employer made a commitment to support my housing expenses. To be clear, I can support myself with my savings, but the aid enabled me to choose a safer neighbourhood with running water.

2. A month into the lockdown, I was suddenly informed that they will stop that support because the physical office had to close down. The recession has also impacted the business, which I understand. This gave me sleepless nights because I have carefully planned all my expenses until the end of the year to include that aid, but I was determined to make it work.

3. I have a work-from-home arrangement even before the quarantine. But the company has been processing my papers to get me to them where they are, which is the Big Opportunity for me. I have been with this company for six years now. If I have to dip into my savings that I have put away for the Big Opportunity, then I had no choice, because I have to survive at this time. If I have to eat two times a day instead of three, then that's what I've been doing.

4. About two months ago, a close family member contracted COVID-19. About three weeks ago, another family member died.

5. I am still processing through my grief. I asked for a week off that same week that my family member died, but that's just to help with cremation arrangements etc because the elders can't go out since they're senior citizens. So I had no time to really grieve. And the following week after that I immediately returned to work because I am needed.

6. Obviously I am not at the top of my game, and for the past two weeks Colleague #1 has been on my case because I have been "inconsistent." I'm so stressed I've been having more panic attacks than usual. I've really been having a hard time working and even just thinking—but I just try my best because I am anxious that my "underperformance" will cause serious repercussions to my standing in the company, i.e. I've been recently told I'm "underutilised as it is." (To note: since the office closed, a lot of remote teams have also been shut down, and now I am doing the work of a whole team.)

7. I just do not feel healthy anymore, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've been sleeping very late just to finish my deadlines, the other day 1AM, and then 1PM the next day...That's all I do. Work, little sleep, work.

8. Apart from the panic attacks, the grief, and the financial difficulties, I am currently in the depression stage of Bipolar Type I. I do what is asked of me, and whenever I feel I haven't lived up to expectations, I am quick to show my contrition and always thank them for their patience and kindness. Nevertheless, each time I try to explain myself, I also feel that they're thinking I'm making excuses. These days whenever I have to apologise for everything, I feel am also invalidating my own truths. I do not know how else to explain it other than I feel I have less dignity lately.

9. There is also tension in the building where I live now. There's been some infighting amongst residents because there are people who do not want to wear masks, even when the other day our neighbourhood was declared as high-risk because the rising number of COVID-19 cases has been severe and alarming.

10. I was also reprimanded by the CEO for "lack of communication." There was one day in particular that I wasn't able to answer my C#1's messages when I had a severe reaction to my new meds. My usual meds for my bipolar is out of stock, and my doctor changed it to something else. I was so adamant to have something help me cope with daily life and work I agreed to it so I can be functional, but I ended up having very rapid heartbeat that I was unable to move for a whole day. I thought I was going to die. I couldn't even ask for help, I was far away from my phone. And when I was finally well enough to get up, I found out that C#1 told the CEO I was unreachable, because that's when I got the reprimand. Other than that one day, I always send updates upon updates upon updates.

11. When I tried to say again that I am going through some difficult things I get responses like "well you've already done X/Y/Z before so it should be fairly easy." That kind of dismissiveness and lack of understanding and empathy is very demoralising. Also I don't think they think about how it also takes a toll on people like me who have English as a second language. I always have to research and absorb facts and information in English. Then also write in English and make it so that I sound "white." And yet I think in my language and have to translate them back. Not sure if that makes sense.

12. There are days when I can't even wash the dishes and take out the trash and even that is giving me anxiety.

13. Everyone else earns more than I do even if I am on the same level. I once tried asking for a raise (when I learned that C#3, whom I was training to work under me had a higher salary) but I was reminded of the Big Opportunity that they are also spending money on. Plus they said it's a geolocation thing and I am earning enough where I live. Also apart from C#1 earning more, he gets to publish under his own name (I do not have a white-sounding name) + I edit his work before it gets published.

14. I feel like I am trapped somewhat because of the Big Opportunity—like it's hanging over my head and I am expected to just bear everything because supposedly I am getting that in exchange, and someone like me, a WOC, should be infinitely grateful for this. C#2, who is a male POC, has been given the same opportunity and understands my sentiments because he also feels pressure to do well and work without complaints. Still he earns more than me.

15. I just got another email today about my underperformance: "I know you're having some difficulties but ___" They are asking me to do MORE. The crux of the matter is there used to be a team that does what I do. A whole TEAM of people. And now there's just me doing the job of a whole team. I don't think it's fair.

16. They are also putting the pressure on me to get a move on and facilitate the process for my docs because they want me to get there ASAP. But the thing is, where I am, COVID-19 cases are increasing. Apart from the region-wide quarantine there is also a more granular, neighbourhood lockdown imposed by the respective local officials. The spread is now more aggressive, all of my friends have a relative or know someone who is infected. I do not even go out, it's more dangerous now than a month ago, a week go. I feel I have a responsibility to myself to keep myself safe. It hurts that they are pressuring me to do something without a thought for my own safety, at the same time making me feel guilty like I am dragging my feet for this one important thing.

17. Plus it's not easy like they think it is. As a WOC the process for me to be able to leave is different from them who have a US passport. And I am a high-risk person because I have diabetes. Going to agencies exposes me to even larger crowds where there is a very big possibility that I will get sick.

18. Moreover, C#1 decided to up and move during the pandemic to another place. I don't know why I am asked now to bear the responsibility of the success/mobility of the office when I'm not even there yet. It's not my fault that C#1 left a hole that needs to be filled, I feel like I am being made to bear the consequences of his actions somehow.

—

I have been thinking of leaving this job. But I am worried about my current finances most of all. I am thinking I am strong enough to start again maybe, and maybe someday I will get to travel again. Losing the Big Opportunity is a big deal though, and I am afraid I'm letting myself down if I let it go because I didn't endure and suck it up. But then again, when is enough enough? How long am I going to put up with them not treating me right, you know?

So I am just at the end of my rope. I want to talk to the CEO about all of these but I'm not sure how receptive he'll be. I'm afraid it'll be like one of those times from before whenever I raise an issue to him and I'm told I'm "too emotional."

I've always had to deal with male ego and white fragility. It's always been on the table for the six years I've been working with them. I'm the only woman in the company and I'm brown at that, and I have always been fighting for my place. It's a real struggle to stand up for myself when they get defensive.

I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid and stressed I'm in physical pain. I feel like I do not have to live like this.

—

TL;DR

How can I professionally respond to my white male employer's email about my perceived "underperformance" that wouldn't prejudice me further as a WOC trying to survive this pandemic?

Should I stay or should I go? Am I betraying myself for letting go of a Big Opportunity that for so long I have clung to as something that would change my life?

Please click Here to read the full story.