How do I manage/approach/deal with my friend's frustrating behavior?

Post date: 2020-02-27 09:07:03

I have a friend who I've known for a couple years now. We are calling him Pete, okay. We have grown close in many ways — we throw events together regularly now, after a while of hanging and talking and realizing we had shared interest and desire to make some things happen. He is at base a very sweet guy, but he has a suite of behaviors that I've found very challenging. I'm looking for some perspective on these kinds of things and any help figuring out how best I can not get super annoyed or frustrated.

Here's the kinds of things that happen:

If we're hanging out and I throw out an idea for the next event ("inflatable goldfish!") he'll think for a second then say "okay, is that what we're going to do?"
- expected responses: "ooh interesting I love that because of A B C"; "hm I like that idea but it's going to be tough because of X Y Z"; "waaaiit no what if we had inflatable CROCODILES"
- in other words, I'm looking for a creative exchange here but he often will go immediately to the "answer" (do we do it/not)

At an event he comes up and asks me if we have a specific thing from the venue yet. I say "No" and he immediately turns around and goes to find it, while I'm starting to say "I talked to them and they're going to get it". I have to go run him down to tell him.
- expected behavior: I'm not sure but this was real weird to me! With other folks the navigation from "No" to "They're going to get it" would have been much smoother.

When walking together on the sidewalk he will not pick up on adjustments/changes that other people do. ie I turn down our street or stop to take a pic or look in a shop window. Other people will intuitively pick up on this energy and slow down, check in with the other person to see what's stopping them, see that we're walking a different direction now etc. Pete will just keep walking straight and I will have to holler to him or run after him.

He often will not pick up on conversational movements that don't seem to trip other people up. For instance I might in the course of a conversation switch back to something we were discussing a few minutes ago. While with other people there's sometimes a "wait what is that about?" moment, with Pete those moments happen way way more often. I regularly (a few times in an evening hang) have to stop and get him on board with what I'm talking about after a conversational move, walking through each piece of the conversation. Similarly, there are just logical relationships that seem to take him longer to get his mind around and I have to walk him through.

Today we have a plan to get dinner. We have a location but hadn't planned on a time yet. I get a text from him in the afternoon that says "I'm going to get off work at 6 and get to the restaurant around 7. I'll let you know my ETA."
- expected communication: "Hey it looks like I can get to the restaurant around 7 if I leave right from work, does that work for you?"; "I'm thinking 7 for dinner, does that work?"; or just "hey when works for you for dinner tonight?"

I'm someone who is very sensitive to relational energies, both in that I pick up on others' energies very easily and I really want others to pick up on mine. So these behaviors are incredibly frustrating for me!

I've had some folks who have or do work in mental health suggest that he may be non-neurotypical — I'm not particularly interested in diagnosis from afar, but it definitely helps me feel less frustrated to think of these as just the way his brain works. But it is still often difficult for me to be around, especially when we're day-of and working to get things done together.

So MeFi: any perspective thoughts ideas suggestions here? I'm considering trying to discuss this with him directly, not to change him but just because if we have a shared language and understanding about these experiences I will feel a lot less alone and alienated. Does that seem possible, like a good idea? I am lost!

Note we are both cis men in our 30s

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