I think I've managed to internalize an extensive philosophy of biological determinism that undergirds a resistance to treatment. It's a particularly tenacious answer to nearly any question born of disappointment. While I've been wanting to seek help (which has proven very difficult where I live, when unemployed), I'm afraid it has inoculated me against any solution that isn't self-harm.
I've been progressively falling down this hole since my diagnosis (OCD and autism-spectrum) at 12. After a very precocious case of (professionally diagnosed) Peyronies, a couple potential minor] concussions (if not at least whiplash), a small handful of abusive relationships, a year of unemployment, and most recently, a brand new diagnosis of BPD, I'm collapsing in on myself. I'd always had a pessimistic self-evaluation, but it's getting to the point where I can't find motivation to do anything, because I feel casted by my biology. It has come to be that I seldom feel like I possess agency, and that predestination through the effects of my various defects and deviancies leads to easily anticipated, unchanging negative results.
Over the past five years or so, I've poured over study after study, looking to quantify and explain the traits I dislike most in myself, from my effeminacy to my mediocre intelligence. Originally, it was an effort to find relief, to reduce my sense that these were personal failures. Now, I'm entrenched in a constellation of metrics that constitutes the etiologies of my failures. For example, I'll fret about my brain size; how my head shape has a lower possible volume because of its elongated shape, and subsequently how my smaller-than-average brain is the reason behind my underwhelming intellect, or how my 2d4d (a proxy measurement that has proven robust upon examination) indicates low testosterone exposure in the womb, and thus why I lack drive, am a coward, suffer from anxiety, etc. Of course, the latter proves an excellent platform for a lot of internalized misogyny, too. I'm also very frustrated with my appearance, which I believe to be the source of the social and romantic/sexual rejections I experience.
Moment-to-moment, I will erratically and obsessively recirculate these thoughts, and many other related ones, until night falls and the day is gone. All I do is think about how all possible given options for activity are precluded by my own inferiority. This paralysis is accompanied by an impotent rage, where I half-blame myself for all these innate flaws. I spend an inordinate amount of time focusing my anger at myself, including fits of verbal self-deprecation, sometimes in front of the few remaining social contacts I have. I can't move, I can't talk to people, I can't hold a job, I can't really go outside. All I do is cycle through panic attacks. It's difficult to imagine getting help, because my situation feels like a fixed state, endowed by specific inborn traits. |
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