I have been depressed since I was about 12. I am now in college and struggling to do much beyond survival and basic crisis management (no social bonds to speak of, little motivation to focus on assignments other than avoiding failure, and most notably, an overly obsessive attachment to a guy which I am extremely embarrassed about). Please help.
My favorite explanation is that "my parents fucked me up" (good people who failed in little ways that unfortunately turned me into a big mess). My condition hasn't been effectively treated despite several therapists and antidepressants, and I've used isolation as a primary coping mechanism.
Having depression (or rather, how I've coped with it) has not really bothered me until now, but recently I've started seeing/sleeping with/romantically considering a guy I've known for a few months. He is not depressed. In fact, he has a very healthy self-regard which I desperately lack. It makes me extremely ashamed of myself whenever it becomes apparent that my coping mechanisms are faulty. For example, I have not made any friends in the month that I've been at my college. He senses that I am overreliant on him for company, so he suggests that I join a club, stressing that "socializing is important."
Whenever I get a healthy suggestion like this, I feel so ashamed I want to die. I feel like a coward and a failure for being resistant to changes that would benefit me. It seems like I would rather complain about being miserable than actually change anything. He is very focused on getting his degree and implies I should do the same instead of 'begging him for attention' (my term). He knows about my condition and fully believes that I am capable of improving it. On the one hand, I do need someone to remind me to stop ruminating and act. But it also hurts my feelings to an incredible and irrational degree because it feels like criticism. I'm not sure he is capable of understanding the layers of suffering, cognitive distortion, ingrained habits, etc. involved in a condition that has lasted this long. Or if he can understand, he may not be able to empathize with or forgive it.
I need someone like him to prod me into wanting to live instead of subsist in the same way I have for most of my life, but it hurts so much to be constantly reminded of how abnormal and dysfunctional I am. It's not even the words he's saying that makes me feel this way, it's what I hear (that my condition is my fault, I should have been able to fix it, it's disgusting that it's lasted this long and gotten this bad). I am afraid of people and of making changes that would enable me to live a "normal" life. I feel guilty for not acting because of my fear. If I were braver I would not suffer, therefore my suffering is my fault.
I want to see him all the time, but he is very busy. I tell him I miss him very often, and then he suggests I find something else to do (for my benefit). He cares about how I'm doing because he is a kind person (and also because he's sleeping with me...), but he's not capable of the hand-holding I feel I need to get from someone. I have a new therapist I'm just starting to see but I would really love to have the support of someone I care about. I feel like I'm expecting too much from someone who has a limited amount of attention, time, and patience to give, but I can't help "begging" him. When I promise myself I won't text him for the week, I end up texting him every other day anyway.
Should I just cut myself off from him? Is it good that I am hurting if it results in some incremental changes in the way I cope with my depression? Is there something wrong with me? Being around someone who is healthy and functional makes me want to kill myself. Most of the time I don't believe it will ever get better.
The things I am doing "right": seeing a therapist, taking medication, trying to do reasonably well in school so I can graduate and build a life for myself.
Things I am doing "wrong": everything else.
I'm so miserable that I don't know what to do anymore. More than half of my life has been lost to this predicament. Is there hope? |