I very recently posted a question asking for advice on losing weight. Got some terrific feedback, and one thing I've been thinking about all day is how important it is for me to move out of my parent's home for weight loss (and other) goals.
My relationship with my parents is quite dysfunctional and, I've realized over the years, emotionally abusive. I know that I've needed to move out for years now, and I was at the point financially to do it about 3 years ago (albeit with a roommate, rent in my city is crazy), but haven't been able to bring myself to actually do it. My parents are immigrants and pretty quite conservative culturally and religiously on most issues, and women living on their own is one of them. I'm a little wary of writing all this because I feel like it's a bit of a cliché and it might be hard for people to understand who don't come from strict/'traditional' families or non-western cultures. But I have a tough time talking about this with my friends because it's embarrassing, but I really need to just get this off my chest. And it helps to sometimes hear from others what you're already thinking inside...
I'm an only child and parents rely on me quite a bit. They're getting on in age, dad had major health issues a few years back and so did mom recently. Every time I start thinking about moving out, start looking at places, it seems like something or another happens with their health and I just stop the process. The thing is, at least in my particular community/extended family, this is what children do. You take care of parents in their old age, and you only move out when getting married. And they do put the pressure on to get married to someone in the community, but I don't want that for myself (and I'm not in the right head space for that anyhow).
But I think living at home for me emotionally has really damaged me, and will only continue to do so. Mom also has some mental health issues, and is very codependent, has rage issues and will often verbally abuse me. She goes from one extreme to another, very very loving and kind to extremely angry and lashing out at me verbally (which hurts me to my core), and then back to kind again and acting as if nothing even happened and she didn't just call me verbally abusive names an hour ago. I don't cope with it well, and lash out as well during these heated arguments. It's a toxic mess. There's also the control issue, not being able to do things as I please, to go out when I want, the control over what I wear, etc. I know I'm much too old to be dealing with this...
But I'm really all they have. And that guilt weighs down on me every single time I even think about moving out....For a long time, I thought I could at least work towards my educational/career goals while living at home, and that way I would be too distracted to be bothered by everything going on at home, but of course that's not what happened. Everything just became too much to deal with and I eventually just abandoned most of my goals and went on auto-pilot for a few years. When I look around and see a few others who are going through similar issues, they seem to be handling it ok. But my mental/emotional, and now physical, health is really suffering. I feel as if my spirit is broken. I'm beginning to isolate myself socially as well, just because it takes far too much energy to talk to people.
I know the answer is in moving out. I know this. But I have internalized the guilt and actually believe I would be horrible/scum of the earth to leave my parents in this age. But I know I can't keep doing this to myself either. And it's just a constant battle I'm waging with myself. I'm exhausted. I love my parents in spite of it all, and I do want to be there for them as much as I can, but I think living with them for much longer will kill me.
I'm not sure what my question is, really. I just really needed to get this out, I had another argument an hour ago with my mom and just needed a place to vent my frustrations....If anyone has gone through something similar, and eventually moved out - would love to hear your story if you'd like to share. How did you eventually get over the guilt, and how is your relationship with your family now? Any other feedback on my hot mess of a life is very much welcome. |
Video
Web
Image
Music
BlogU
