How can I grow to like someone I don't?

Post date: 2020-01-24 14:08:55

I have a new housemate who I simply dislike. She seems like a good person— trustworthy, reliable, friendly and communicative. My other roommates adore her and say she feels like family. I have no doubt she will be a positive force in our community-oriented home. However, I just don't like her. It's a gut feeling I've had since the moment we met. How can I change this?

I don't feel unsafe around her, so it's not a red flag. Just an aversion. I've asked myself why. Do I feel competitive with her in some way? Am I picking up subtle traits I dislike, either in the world or myself? What's the deal?

All I can conclude is that we just don't vibe on some chemical or cultural level. Nobody in the house knows that I don't like her; in fact I've gone above and beyond to welcome her in. It's very important to me that I live with friends, not friendly strangers, so I am really struggling with this internal discrepancy. I am quite close with all my other housemates and it's something I have selected for in choosing housing, even when it means I've had to search far and wide for a great dynamic.

For all her fine traits, I wouldn't choose her as a friend. Part of the problem is that I think we value different ways of relating: she is a private person who rarely shares her internal state of mind or facts about her life, even when prompted. Her sort of affection is action and group oriented. She'll make dinner for everyone or organize a bike ride. I see and appreciate these things, but I create intimacy by being physically close or having animated solo conversations. Like "good to see you!" hugs, group movie nights where we all snuggle on the couch, inside jokes and wordplay, sharing our innermost feelings and thoughts in deep one-on-one talks. I interact with everyone else in the house in these ways. She hasn't outright rejected my prompts for these, just redirects or seems not to notice or value them the same way I do. When I organize activities that speak to her love languages, she is stoked to participate but I don't feel closer in return.

I also have an irrational distaste for her manner of speech. It's very slow and unadorned, and my racing mind feels like it is tapping impatiently while she finishes her sentences. I try my very best to not express this, to tune in and be a good listener. It feels excruciating though.

Before I throw in the towel and accept that we simply won't be close, I would like to try harder to bond with her. She likes me just fine, so I'm the odd one out. It's only been a few months. The stress of having to "fake it" with her is getting to me. I feel less comfortable in my home. What can I do?

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