I am having trouble letting go of a brief, intense relationship. It's a new year and I want to leave this hurt in the past. But how?
This was me. Turns out everything he told me during the breakup was a flat lie. He had been cheating on me with a woman 14 years his senior before breaking up with me and diving into a full-fledged relationship with her. They moved in after three months and are seemingly still going strong, though who really knows the truth.
He rushed into it with me, gave me a key to his house, professed his love to me and really made me feel like he meant it. I saw a future. I loved him totally and completely and was committed, until one day he started pulling away. He literally stopped looking at me. He would get angry at me quickly over minor things. He stopped touching me and started leaving me out of plans all the time. I literally felt like I was going crazy. Whenever I tried to talk to him about it he turned it on me. He told me that he gave me space to do my schoolwork, so I should give him space to do what he wants--video games, TV, whatever. He told me, repeatedly, that everything was fine. He made me feel like I was losing my mind. And then he broke up with me, fed me a bunch of lies, and didn't even return my mother's stuff, which he still has all these months later.
And now he's seemingly in a happy relationship with this new girl, while I'm over here, still in love with him in spite of all my better judgment. I deserve so, so, so much more than what he gave me. I am smart, kind, funny, in a grad program (and well on my way to being very successful someday)--I deserve the world and he made me feel like my worth was less than zero. I deserve so much more than that. And yet, in the same breath, it is so undoubtedly true that, when things were good between us, I was deeply happy, maybe the happiest I've ever been in a relationship, even if it was short. I want that back so badly. And I know I can get in again someday, with someone who won't lie to me, who won't rush into it and then leave me for someone else. But I can't do that until I let go of this first.
I've done all the right things. I started spending way more time with friends. My friends and family basically rallied behind me. I threw away all of his stuff. I went, and am still going, to therapy. (Let's repeat: I am going to therapy already so you don't need to recommend that). I have thrown myself into school and work. I have completely revamped my approach to relationships: I will not rush into it again. I will carve out specific days for myself, for my friends, for things that are overwhelmingly not him. I have spent so much time reflecting on my own worth, and why I repeatedly sell myself short, so short. I have sworn up and down that I will not sell myself short again. l'm trying, I really am.
And yet.... it still just hurts. It hurts to not be chosen. It hurts to feel like I was not enough and wonder why. I hate thinking that he is still with her and they are seemingly happy and I can't help but think that it's so grossly unfair that he gets to treat me like shit and still be happy with her. I find myself wanting him to know that I know the truth. But so what? What would that accomplish?
I'm done. I need to stop. My happiness does not depend on him and it's bullshit that this asshole gets to keep taking up space in my brain. My happiness does not depend on him and I am (still) selling myself short by being stuck here. The problem is I don't have the slightest idea of how to get unstuck. This feels like complicated grief. I have been in much longer relationships that did not hurt this much when they ended. I know I need to work on not ruminating. I am trying to redirect my thoughts from painful things when I get started down the rabbit hill. I am trying to say--loudly--NO. And it works, a bit, but I still find myself in the rabbit hole far too often.
It's a new year, I have a new home, and I want to let go of this ever-present sadness I have carried with me ever since he told me he didn't love me anymore. What are your tips for making that happen? I am considering getting a new therapist since I'm not sure my current one is helping. Besides that, I don't know what to do or how to get myself unstuck. Any tips and anecdotes are appreciated.
Thanks in advance. |
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