When I have x-rated fun, I often have to fake my orgasm. I'm feeling ashamed and think I might be asexual. This isn't the first time. Would highly love some advice about this.
Note: I'm going to try my best to keep this clean, but this might not be NSFW, just as a heads up.
I've noticed over the years, as a self-identifying bisexual (leaning more to men) male, I have a very hard time finishing up when I'm with another guy. Often, I had to fake my orgasms or admit defeat. I just couldn't finish the deed, sadly. It's actually VERY rare that I'm able to 'let go' with someone.
I don't think it's my actual sex drive, though, because I have no problem with self-pleasure at all. I'm perfectly capable of doing that and have no problems at all, both with the frequency and actual deed.
I suspect this is a combination of my anxiety and low self esteem. I've been working a lot this year on my self-esteem and calibrating past issues or mistakes, and been making a lot of progress, but when it comes to x-rated fun/sex, unfortunately, I haven't really had a chance to focus on that area. I'm a bit concerned because I'm getting old, my sex drive is fading a bit (normal for men in my age range), and I want to have fun, but I often find myself resisting requests to have fun because I know I'd probably just have to fake it. I don't feel comfortable 'letting go' and becoming comfortable and enjoying it, if that makes sense. When I'm with a guy, I feel nervous and tense when we're doing it. It happens with all guys, regardless of how nice they are. It's not them, it's me.
Three main incidents, I suspect, contributed to this.
1) In college, a very long time ago, I was assaulted. A guy did something to me after I explicitly asked him not to do that specific act.
2) About ten years ago, I was having fun with one man, when all of a sudden, he said he had to leave and didn't feel comfortable. After he left, he texted me in disbelief and said "I couldn't believe I did this with someone like you" and promptly blocked me on all social media. That really, really hurt (especially as I had self-esteem issues with my appearance at the time), and it took me a while to recover from it.
3) I had fun with a male friend who visited my roommate when I was living with a group of people many moons ago. Unknown to me, this male was seeing another roommate of mine. Next day, my roommate angrily pounded on my door and demanded to know why I had fun with him. This was a very uncomfortable situation. The roommate said he warned me that the male friend was his, but I didn't realize it (he was metaphorical about it and unclear, so I did not understand what he was trying to say... it was a genuine mistake on my part).
Add to that I grew up sheltered and wasn't taught to be open-minded about sex, etc., and here I am. I don't think I had much positive experiences with sex.
Tonight, I had x-rated fun with a guy who was very kind-mannered. We had a good time, he was hot, all that, but even with all those positive factors, I was still unable to relax enough to orgasm, even with alcohol. I had to fake it. I realized now that I felt ashamed and guilty that I had to keep faking orgasms, and I really want to resolve this so I can really enjoy x-rated fun (while I still can biologically and physically). I'm not sure if I'm asexual or not, because I have no problems with self-pleasure, so any advice would be helpful.
If you can point me to any good advice, thoughts, or even resources, that'd be wonderful! A therapist might not be financially viable for me, as right now I'm sorta in-between jobs, but I'm totally open to any input or anecdotes. Thank you! |
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