How to handle this? Newly anxiety-inducing relationship with SIL.

Post date: 2019-11-12 09:59:32
Views: 163
Metafilter has always been there for me when I am in an anxiety spiral about something. I would not say I am in one now, but I was recently and upon reflection could still use advice about how to deal with this new situation with my sister in law. I never thought there was any conflict in our relationship until recently. I'll try to keep it from being too wordy but snowflakes inside.

I just moved to a new city because (1) I never felt at home in the city I was in (2) I like this city a lot better and could see myself here long term and (3) my brother, who I get along well with, and his wife of a few years, who I also was getting to be good friends with, live here. Sister in law (SIL) and I have texted regularly and talked occasionally over the past year. Since my family is spread out though I haven't really spent a huge amount of time with her in person, I have visited a few times alone and then at family stuff a few times a year.

SIL and I both have some mental health issues. I have bipolar disorder and anxiety, though since getting on mood stabilizers about 15 years ago, 90% of the problem is anxiety. SIL has anxiety and depression and has recently started experiencing a recurrence of depression, for the first time since I've known her, but not the first time for her.

I like SIL a lot and thought we had a good relationship but shortly before I moved we had a where from her tone of voice/manner on the phone, I thought she was annoyed with me. When I thought back over the conversation I could see the thing I'd said that in hindsight wasn't cool, and when I talked to her a couple days later I apologized about it. She assured me that she hadn't been upset at all and there was nothing to apologize about.

I also noticed a recent trend of conversations that seem to go like this: I say something. She questions whether what I'm saying is accurate. I feel defensive/try to "prove" what I was saying. Then (usually) we just move on to another topic. For example:
--Me: My mom used to yell at me a lot when I was a kid and is controlling to my dad. I was scared of her when I was a kid. Her: That doesn't sound like your mom. It seems to me like your dad is really dismissive of your mom. Me: Well, "X" incident happened (childhood example), she doesn't act that way around you, I think my brother either had a different experience of our childhood or just doesn't talk about it...
--Me: Was marijuana just legalized here? Someone was smoking while we were waiting for the bus. Her: No, they probably weren't actually smoking, did you actually see it? They probably had just smoked. Me: I guess you are right that I did not actually see it. It just smelled like it was right there.
--Me: I had a bad experience at my last job where my supervisor the first year disliked me and got angry with me, and some people were talking about me behind my back, and now I get anxious about something like that happening again. Her: Are you sure they were doing that, maybe it was just your social anxiety? Me: No, I know it happened because (various things confirmed by people who didn't have a problem with me).
I don't really think SIL is aware that she is doing this.

Then we get to the other day, which was in fact bad. We were going to hang out/do some work together (both work from home). I woke up feeling pretty anxious/dreading the day and wanted to bail but I am trying not to be a person who bails on things. However, right from the start it was obvious how anxious I was, mostly about a work issue, but apparently it was obvious to her (I was NOT trying to show this or put it on her, I am not sure what specific things I did that made it clear) that I am also anxious about my relationship with her, which she found upsetting. She brought it up and said she doesn't want me to feel that way because I am one of her favorite people and there is no reason to worry about whether she is secretly mad, if there is an issue she will tell me. I thought we talked it out and were fine, and even though it was uncomfortable I appreciated her saying it.

But later in the day, in the context of both talking about how we have trouble getting stuff done due to anxiety/depression: Me: Yeah if people know I have a mood disorder they think that is such a big deal but anxiety is the big problem in my life. Her: briefly tries to convince me that anxiety is a mood disorder. Me: No, I mean I have bipolar disorder but my main problem now is anxiety. Her: (apparently very surprised although I could SWEAR I told her that before): What do you mean? I've never seen you act manic. (I try to explain symptoms I have had before.) Even my psychiatrist thinks hypomania isn't a real thing. Are you sure it isn't your anxiety that would make you not sleep for a week? Me, finally: Why you are challenging me on this? Her: (starts crying): Why do you have to assume bad intentions into everything I say? You are exhausting to be around. I feel like I have to tiptoe around you. I know so many people who have been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder and sometimes the person with the diagnosis isn't the one in the best position to be able to realize that. Me: Somehow end up sort of apologizing to smooth things over.

When I type all this out it seems more clear that (1) my anxiety and fear of upsetting her is definitely putting her on edge, especially since she's not doing great right now although (2) I am not the one making these conversations go in such a weird direction. But I ended up going home and crying, feeling crazy and like she had just confirmed my fears. Like, how am I supposed to "not worry" when she has just told me that I am "exhausting to be around"? How is that not going to be in my head?

We texted after and have talked it out as much as I think is useful--turn it into an even bigger thing. I just don't really know what to DO, going forward, and could use some strategies for how to deal with the situation. If this was not a family member I would probably just mentally downgrade the relationship, meaning, still be friends/friendly/invite to group things but stay away from personal topics and one-on-one bonding, and focus my energy on people who enjoy my presence. I don't know. Help?
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