My wife and I thought we were in the final weeks of our road to becoming certified foster parents. Unfortunately, we've hit a roadblock, or at least a significant speed bump. The social worker at our agency is now demanding that my wife attend several months of therapy to obtain a written letter from the therapist that her anxiety diagnosis will not be detrimental to her being a good foster/adoptive parent before they will certify us. We feel horrible about this, as my wife's anxiety is minor and not something we believe would cause us to be unfit parents. We are now wondering if we should switch to another agency, try to plead our case with the current agency, or just suck it up and do what they're asking. Details below.
We've been pursuing foster parent certification through a local (US-based) adoption agency for the better part of the last year. The agency specializes in kids with a high degree of legal risk, meaning a lower likelihood of reunification, and a higher likelihood of adoption by prospective foster parents. We have completed the 20+ hours of training, filled out volumes of paperwork, and are now at the stage where we're interviewing with the social worker who will handle our case throughout the rest of the process.
Unfortunately, things with this social worker are not off to a great start. TL;DR my wife was very depressed 15+ years ago, which resulted in two suicide attempts. Since then, she's controlled her depression with therapy and medication. Her diagnosis now is dysthimia (persistent mild depression) and anxiety. She hasn't needed therapy in 5+ years, and has been successful in her career and handling other responsibilities. We truly believe her mental health issues are mostly a thing of the past.
Nonetheless, our social worker has noted that the anxiety is a concern, because, in her words, being a parent creates anxiety (yeah, no shit). She recommended my wife begin therapy for it, which my wife agreed to, but now they're not only saying she has to begin therapy, but that she'll have to do it for at least four months and have the therapist sign off that her anxiety won't make her a bad parent before they will even certify us.
She has sought counseling in the past, and benefited from it, so this isn't a case of being opposed to therapy. She just doesn't think her mild anxiety rises to the level of requiring therapy *now*, and is frustrated that they're now demanding she undergo it in order to be deemed fit to be a parent. She's concerned that her mental health history is going us from realizing our dream of being parents, which is a very hard pill to swallow.
My sense is that they're treating her anxiety as more severe than it is, but I don't know how to communicate that to them, or if they'll even listen at this point. My wife is a bit of a worrier, but it's part of what makes her so good at her job, and at caring for others. She's a bit of a perfectionist, and it's something she knows she has to work on, and something that I try to help with when I can. She has had panic attacks in the past, but very rarely.
I get that the agency has to ensure that prospective foster/adoptive parents are going to give these kids a good family environment, and that kids in the foster care system are going to have a higher degree of difficulty due to the trauma they've experienced. But this seems above and beyond what is necessary for what's really a minor condition. It's going to prolong this process even more than it already has been, and I'm beginning to wonder if this is a sign that they're not taking us seriously as prospective parents, or will be biased against us during the matching process.
The courses of action I see available to us are:
1. Just do what we're told, because ultimately, they hold the cards here. The pros here are that we don't waste all the time we've spent already with this agency, and if the therapist signs off, we can theoretically be certified and begin the matching process. The downside is that they still have reservations about us, and it impacts our ability to be matched with a child that's a good fit for us.
2. Seek out another agency that might not have this same bias against my wife's condition. We would have to re-do the entire process from the beginning, undergo 20+ hours of training, etc., but at least we'd get a fresh start, and maybe avoid any bias our current agency may have against us due to my wife's condition.
3. Argue our case with the social worker and/or her supervisor, in the hopes that we can convince them that they're making a mistake. This seems unlikely to succeed, and might poison the well with future interactions with the social worker, but maybe I/we can highlight some kind of flaw in their evaluation process that's led them to overstate the problems associated with my wife's condition, or convince them that what they're asking is unreasonable given that we've already gone through so much just to get to this point.
My gut says #1, but this is such an important decision that I could use some informed perspectives from others who may have dealt with something similar, or had any experience with the foster/adoption process that can help us make a more informed decision.
I can be reached at mefianon@protonmail.com for as long as this AskMe is open. Thank you! |
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