How do I navigate this issue with my relationship with my parents?

Post date: 2019-06-17 19:57:42

My parents, wonderful people that they are, cannot seem to respect my decisions as an adult. How can I respond in a way that preserves our relationship while also respecting my needs?

I want to preface this by saying that my parents are really wonderful people. They love my sibling and me unconditionally and try to do what they think is best for us. Severing my relationship with them over this issue is not an option. I am presenting a segment of our relationship here, but you can assume that, overall, they are loving and kind.

It might also be helpful to know that my parents grew up in south Asia, but have been in the US for decades and are fairly "westernized." Also, I am a 30-something, financially independent professional with a good career and stable job.

I'm having a longstanding issue in which my parents don't seem to respect my independence. Over time, their constant questioning of my life decisions has instilled in me so much self-doubt that I am stressed about every decision I make.

They have these dreams of me marrying a handsome, wealthy man from our culture in a big Bollywood ceremony, having lots of kids, having a high-powered career in the big city in which I grew up (and where they still live). Meanwhile, I don't want most of those things. I have decided to move to a semi-rural Midwestern town that I love. I am in a committed relationship with a wonderful, unfailingly supportive man with whom I share life goals but who is not from our mother culture. I don't want kids. I don't want to get married at all.

That said, I am happy with my life in general. But they constantly remind me that they don't approve of these facets of my lifestyle, and it's causing me a lot of stress. Although I've been saying for years that I've wanted to move back to that semi-rural town, the decision has caused me insane amounts of stress because now I'm questioning my decision, too - even though I know it's what I want, and even though I have a great job offer that I'm excited about.

After meeting my SO (fortunately, they treated him well to his face), my father said to me that he thought my SO was beneath me and that "I think you should break up with him." (Obviously, I am not going to do this. I tried to explain that this was way out of line.)

They repeatedly tell me that I should get married, that I should have kids. They want me to meet other men. They keep telling me about job offers in the city they want me to live in. They keep asking why I want the things I want, in a loaded manner that puts me on the defensive, and each time, they claim not to remember my previous explanations.

I've explained to them countless times that they need to respect my independence, that they need to take my life decisions seriously, that their questioning of my decisions instills doubt in me that causes me stress, and that it's harming my relationship with them. They don't understand this at all - they think that they're voicing concerns as parents should. They say that they're actually hurt by my requests, but I'm honestly not sure why.

I imagine that they might be conflating my requests for independence/support of my life choices with my rejecting them, their wishes, the values with which they tried to raise us, and our heritage. I'm saying, "Stop saying stuff that undermines my confidence and makes me feel bad, and don't insult my SO," but they're hearing, "I'm putting a certain lifestyle above my family and heritage."

I suspect that there's also an undercurrent of concern about how they will be perceived "in the community" when their daughter moves to the Midwest and lives with her non-south Asian boyfriend without being married - though they deny this.

My questions are these:
1) Can you help me understand why my parents feel hurt by my requests for independence and respect for my lifestyle?

2) How can I get them to understand my request? Or am I just going to have to accept that this is how they are, and if I want to preserve my relationship with them, keep the peace, and maintain my own confidence and sanity, I'm going to have to find a way to deflect the conversation when it comes up?

3) When it comes to either course of action in (2) - if you've been in a similar situation, are there specific phrases or ways of thinking about the issue that you found helpful?

Thank you in advance, everyone, for your always-excellent advice.

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