Fantasizing about a better life

Post date: 2017-08-20 07:19:38

Should I chase this need for a better life or will it end in disaster?

I've recently found temporary work after being laid off almost a year ago. I live in NJ. I had the hardest time finding a job and feel that through all of that I've accomplished a lot but began to realize how unhappy I am.

I'm in a three year relationship with a loving partner who is very supportive and wholesome and caring yet I've been having concerns about how deep we connect to each other. We have almost completely different tastes in music and film (something I like talking passionately about) yet we do share one big interest. Art. It's what brought us together and it kept us together. She doesn't have experience at all with relationships and I've been in a few dramatic ones. We converse passionately but it's sparse. Unless we're at an art museum, I struggle trying to converse sometimes. It's to a point now where I think about being with someone else who is more extroverted and open. We're both introverts and it can be kind of boring sometimes.

We're both still in our hometowns and with our parents. We've talked about moving in with each other but this whole unemployment situation I was in made me have doubts. She left her job of seven years because she was unhappy and she's currently pursuing activities and opportunities she didn't have time for when she was at her old job. The idea of moving in became more distant because we were both without jobs.

My family is supportive but I always get the feeling like I'm not supposed to be here. That I should be somewhere else because I'm not needed here. I have a huge family and they all live within the same area so I feel they all support each other. I love them and they love me and I want them to see me explore my artistic and self potential. I feel I'm not doing that at all at 31. Most of my friends have moved to other states and started living their lives. Meeting new people and having new experiences. I get really envious.

The past few months I've been relying on ways to escape these feelings of anxiety and unhappiness. Through drinking, sex (faithful!), social media and pointless entertainment. I do work on my art but I get easily distracted. I sometimes fantasize about moving out of state and starting fresh somewhere. NJ is a dead end. I've explored a lot of it and nothing excites me here.

I feel excessive shame and guilt over not seeing a possible future with my current partner. I feel like since I'm in a loving relationship, I should want to marry and have kids. But I'm doubting whether certain needs of mine are being met. Which I feel is completely selfish. We've talked about moving out of state and she seems open to it but she doesn't want to rush because she still wants to be close to her mother. Her father passed a couple of years ago and she experiences bouts of separation anxiety. I'm supportive of this and I would never make her feeling guilty or feel as though she's holding me back. I've expressed these feelings to her and she can understand most of it. She felt hurt but ultimately we decided to see where we're going to end up.

I feel since I'm in an ideal situation (not married, no kids, nothing keeping me here) I should pay extra attention to what's making me happy. And seeing myself delve into distractions and fantasies tells me that something's wrong. I'd like to know whether or not these concerns are valid. And important. Or if I'm just being selfish and unappreciative of a comfortable life. Yet there's always a nagging feeling that if I don't break out of this comfort zone, I may not be happy. Or happier.

What should I really think about? Are these just feelings that come up every now and then when you're older? Am I being irresponsible or selfish?

Any insight would help. Sorry for the long post.

Thank you.

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