Getting married, changing my name, and feeling like a "bad feminist."

Post date: 2019-04-13 05:56:05

I'm getting married soon and plan to change my surname. I never thought I would want to do so , but now I'm here, and I do, and I'm feeling guilty about it. If you've made a similar choice, I'd love to know how you reconciled your decision with your identity as a feminist.

Just to clarify, this question isn't Should I change my name? Please assume I am going to change it.

Possibly relevant details:

* I'm changing my name from Sarah Middle] BirthLast] to Sarah BirthLast] MarriedLast], i.e. replacing my middle name with my birth surname.

* My primary motivation for changing my name is that I genuinely love my fiance's family, and am excited to be a part of it (legally, as they already make me feel very included). I'm excited to become one of them in name!

* I'm getting married a bit younger than I expected. I imagined I would be in my 30s at least when I met the right person, but I'm actually only 28 and therefore less advanced in my career than I predicted. (I do have some publications under my birth name, which is part of my motivation for preserving my birth surname as my new middle name.)

* My fiance has no preference either way and is absolutely not pressuring or even encouraging me to change my name.

* We plan to eventually have children and to give them my fiance's surname.

So, the issue:

I personally feel that feminism is about empowering women to make the choices that suit them best -- there is no wrong choice, even if it a traditional choice, so long as it is made autonomously. I don't judge other women I know who have taken their husband's last name, although I confess I have sometimes wondered privately about their motivations for doing it.

However, I also feel like in my own small way, I am just perpetuating the social expectation that women change their names, that a husband is the head of (an opposite sex) marriage, etc. I don't feel good about perpetuating those things, and I wonder if my excitement about becoming a MarriedLast] is clouding my judgment in a way that I will later come to regret.

Also, I just got a fairly judgmental reaction from a coworker (~60yo married woman who kept her birth surname) when I mentioned this to her in passing, so I admit I'm feeling less confident in my choice than I do on a typical day.

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