I (bi, trans male) was rejected twice by someone I had big feelings for, a classmate (gay, cis male) in our small graduate program. I am 27 but these feelings I have had/are having are so akin to a high-school crush, a first love. It is hard to deal with and I am confused by our latest interactions and don't know if I should just completely forget about him or what. (Long-winded story inside.)
In a way, it is like a first love -- this is the first time I had these feelings for someone as myself, and have the other person see me as myself, and not have it be complicated/falsified by awkwardly pretending to be a straight woman (I am not out as trans. The man in my question may or may not have figured this out already). Also, it is the very first time I feel this way about someone and it is not because of wishful thinking any positive qualities about them into existence -- he is genuinely just a good human being.
We became friends over the summer. He wasn't the type I lean towards physically (though my interest always bends towards people I like on a personal level), but he was cute, and he was just such a good person. We had/have very similar values and ways of seeing the world. He was so caring and compassionate. He didn't just proclaim this of himself -- I could see it in the way he interacted with strangers and friends. All of the sudden I had this crush on him. We went out as a group one night and I got really drunk (partly because I was nervous to be around him all the sudden) and he sat with me outside the bar that night when I was so drunk and ranting about psychological science and the rest of our group was ready to move on to another bar, so I didn't look as conspicuously tipsy as I felt. I thought it was so kind. I woke up super early the next morning and was still kind of drunk and texted him about how I thought he was so wonderful. Politely, he basically said he was flattered but he wasn't wanting to date within our small graduate program and he was emotionally unavailable. "But would he change his mind, ever?" I wondered. "Or would I just make the same mistake in the future not knowing it would never happen?" I needled him a bit for him to be more specific when he said he, "saw me more as a friend," as I was honestly kind of miffed that he was trying to polite-speak his way out of telling me what I thought was the crucial truth, before he said he hates being so blunt and then admitted he didn't find me sexually attractive. I wondered if he might have guessed I'm trans and I asked, "if you would have been interested, I would have said there was something you have to know about myself first. Do you already know what that might be?" And he said, "no, but I am now curious as to what it is, but we of course don't have to talk about it." And I replied maybe I might tell him about it in the future. "Ok," I thought after that. "I will move on. Maybe he might change his mind in the future, maybe I might grow on him. Who knows. But I have to focus my attention elsewhere." I was embarrassed and wanted to sink to the floor when we actually saw each other in person in class the next day. I had thought there was a chance he liked me back too, as he was always so kind and seemingly happy to be around me had asked me a lot of more-personal things about myself when he had hung out, and was embarrassed I was so wrong. This was early July.
I did move on, mostly, and we didn't really hang out after that, though there were no bad or awkward feelings between us. It was fine. I was on all the dating sites with abysmal success. I kept thinking about how I just wish he might change his mind in the back of my head, but I wasn't completely subsumed by this crush like I had been. A few weeks ago, I noticed he'd be staring at me in class, and when I noticed, he'd look away and be smiling, just like in high school, you know, and he would be awkward around me and smiling and blushing when we'd talk. I thought, maybe his feelings did change, and mine came swiftly rushing back. In fact, I was near certain, because why else would he be acting this way? Well, I thought maybe he was too shy to pursue anything (I was so stupid to assume) and so I sent him this poem over text recently, kind of on the theme of taking chances with people. He replied, "that's a lovely thought!" And I thought, well, he liked it! We saw each other in person in class the next day and said hey and he was smiley and shy like usual. A few days went by and things remained the same. I asked him over text if he wanted to have a chat and we figured out time and place. We had lunch in between class meetings on Wednesday. It was a lot shorter than either of us thought because we both had the time wrong (they often change the meeting time without being very clear).
So basically, we had 20 minutes. I stalled and talked to him about normal people things and school-related things. And then I was like, "I'm sorry if sending you that poem was awkward. I wasn't sure how to go about things." And he said, "that's fine -- I wasn't really sure what you meant by it but I did think it was a nice thought generally so that's why I replied as I did -- but just so you know, we had this talk in the summer and, we talked about being blunt, and nothing has changed. Nothing has changed." And I was like, "oh, I'm really sorry." And I was so embarrassed. And I told him I never would have brought this up again if I didn't think he changed his mind. And at some point, I mentioned how I noticed him looking over at me in class a lot and so that's part of why I thought he changed his mind and he was like "oh, maybe I was seeking out classmate]" but he was kind of smiling when he said so for whatever reason and I mean, this wasn't just once and it wasn't just in that one setting and does not square with all of my memories. I apologized and he said, "no, please don't be sorry," and he looked really sad and he apologized and I was like, "why are you sorry? what do you have to be sorry for? it's fine." Though now I wonder if he was sorry because I was disappointed, sorry because he is unwilling to date given the circumstances, sorry because he doesn't find me attractive still.... He said at one point, "I think you would be better off saving your affection for someone else" and at another, "there's actually a good dating scene in our city]" to which I said, "sometimes." And he laughed. I didn't go into detail about how, actually, it is particularly challenging for me. I don't think it was his intention but him saying that made me feel like such a creep. Like in no way did I mean to just spring this on him apropos of nothing. And overall, I was so confused because I really thought it was going to be different this time given his change of behavior around me. I asked him if he had told anyone else about this situation and he said no... which was a lie. It has kind of become an item of gossip among the class (it's a very queer-friendly group -- so not negative attention, but attention nonetheless). I thought about it later and I was angry that he lied and it makes me wonder how much of our conversation was he being truthful about anyway. Was I right that perhaps he indeed thought differently about this in the last few weeks, even briefly?
Anyway, I pretended everything was fine the rest of the day (I am very good at doing so) while he seemed kind of dejected. We are on break from school for a few days and I didn't get to wish him a good break at the end of class, so I followed up with a text later to say so and to say that I was sorry for putting him in an uncomfortable spot so many times and that it was never my intention. He followed up to say that he understood and was glad we got to clear the air and wished me a good break too.
Do I give up on him forever? I really don't want to, to be honest. I am continuing to find other people to date -- going out with some guy I met over the summer this weekend and there's another guy I might meet up with soon -- but as I said, I really really had big feelings for this guy for whatever stupid reason. Should I continue to be friends with him in hopes of things being different once this program ends next spring? We will likely end up in the same city. I want to, but I think part of the reason I got myself in this embarrassing mess again was that I left a spot open in my heart for him. I think I just want him to say, "no, this is never happening," but he hasn't and I don't think he will and I don't know if that's because he is trying again to be polite over truthful, if he wants to hold my heart hostage because he enjoys the boost of self-esteem it might give him, or if this is more circumstantial rejection. I think it is the latter (but of course I am biased towards wishing it were so) -- we both talked about how we don't have a lot of time and he said he has kind of given up on being social and just hangs out with his dogs and cooks. I would have made time for him, though, in the little time that I have. I don't know how to feel or what to do. I am too old for this mess I think, but at the same time, I can find beauty in the fact I was able to ever feel anything like this about someone at all for once in my life.
Metafilter, please advise/talk some sense into me. Is this never happening? If so, why won't he say it outright? Why would he act this way? I am almost embarrassed by the fact I am so clueless/dumb about romantic situations at such an age, while I have been fine, even succeeded, in professional situations. Someone posted on the blue about how non-straight/non-cis people don't tend to have milestones on the same schedule as those who are -- it is a small comfort to me now, at least, to think there is a reason for my bumbling . . . |
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